Confession:
I'm having separation anxiety.
The Unbalance:
Here's the dealio-- Baby P has gone down to nursing 4 times a day instead of the usual 12 when she was newborn. She is eating solids constantly, hates her vegetables, so we let her drink Light V8 Fusion which she loves. She just turned 10 months and is walking everywhere. You got it, there is a 27 inch tall baby running around. I'm not one of those mom's that gets really sad that their baby is growing up. I look forward to it. I encourage it. I'm ready for it. The way I look at it is that the older she gets the more independent and self entertaining she becomes, which in turn gives me some time to catch my breath and try and feel 21 again. But there is one tiny, itty-bitty, thing I'm having trouble with.....
I don't want to stop breastfeeding!
Just for fun yesterday I thought, " I wonder if she'll take some formula?" She's been stuck on my boob since the day she was born and every other time I tried it just to see if she'd take it, she refused. So I made a 4 ounce bottle, sat her down on my lap and gave it to her. And she took it! I was shock-ed and a-maze-ed! When she finished the bottle she yelled at me until I made another one. She downed another 8 ounces. It was kinda fun for the first 4 ounces and then it wasn't anymore.
I got jealous. I was jealous that she was receiving something I'd given her the past 10 months and she liked it. I guess if you're not a mom this might sound funny. But there is something so emotional about nursing your baby. Even if you don't realize it yet. I got so sad that my little girl was at a point where she could live without me in that way. In a way I feel completely unneeded and forgotten. When she was eating from the bottle I had this aching feeling in my back like I was about to go sing in front of a huge crowd of people or see someone I hadn't seen in years. You know what I'm talking about...that nervous feeling. Anxious
Since the day she was born I've said that there is no way there is another baby coming sooner then two years. Since having these feelings, it's the first time I ached to have another baby since Baby P was born. When I expressed these feeling to the husband, he laughed at me and told me I was silly. Which irked me. I believe his exact words were, "HA! Well, let's not think about that now!.....you're funny."
Was I trying to be funny? No. I wasn't. I told him to throw away the sarcasm and be understanding. He tried people. He really tried.
Finding the Balance:
I know. I know. This is part of life as a mother. Moving on, growing up, transition. This I totally realize. But it's hard to tell my heart that when I have that kind of connection with my baby. I talked with a few mama's today and they told me that they felt that too. It's definitely a hard transition. But not to worry that it would pass.
I guess for now I'll keep nursing her and use the formula for traveling or when she is being watched by someone else.
Ohhh the joys! In the not so distant past I would of almost killed the husband for laughing at me and being sarcastic. Can you say SUCCESS!!!!!! Speaking of success.....uhh, I'll make a whole nother post about that. Give you something else to read since I've been such a slacker for the past month.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Confession # 12
Confession:
I haven't posted in awhile.
Ha. You totally knew that. Let me fill you in on the past few weeks.
My anti-depressant has finally kicked in. I feel like me again.
I've been running everyday, except Sunday. Even in the snow. Really you ask? Yes, really!
I've been cooking a lot recently. Very strange for me.
All of us had an episode of an awful cold, which has finally passed out of our home. While sick for the week I watched ALL 10 seasons of Friends in 8 days. Don't judge, greatest show ever.
I've been able to look at my husband and think," I'm so glad you don't annoy me right now!"
I've had several encounters these past few months in helping other mother's cope and help overcome their own PPD. I never thought I would say this, but I've been grateful for my suffering and the added insight it's given me to help other mothers. I've learned that PPD manifests itself in different forms and that there is always someone going through it the same way.
Just stopping by to say I'm still here. Look for a new confession post within the next few days.
I haven't posted in awhile.
Ha. You totally knew that. Let me fill you in on the past few weeks.
My anti-depressant has finally kicked in. I feel like me again.
I've been running everyday, except Sunday. Even in the snow. Really you ask? Yes, really!
I've been cooking a lot recently. Very strange for me.
All of us had an episode of an awful cold, which has finally passed out of our home. While sick for the week I watched ALL 10 seasons of Friends in 8 days. Don't judge, greatest show ever.
I've been able to look at my husband and think," I'm so glad you don't annoy me right now!"
I've had several encounters these past few months in helping other mother's cope and help overcome their own PPD. I never thought I would say this, but I've been grateful for my suffering and the added insight it's given me to help other mothers. I've learned that PPD manifests itself in different forms and that there is always someone going through it the same way.
Just stopping by to say I'm still here. Look for a new confession post within the next few days.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Victory Confession # 2
Confession:
I'm happy, not crappy!
One of the books I got at the library talks about positive affirmations. That's one of mine. Catchy right?..I thought so. So, the past few days I've been saying it over and over again, out loud. I've been in a great mood the past few days, I've felt energetic and alive. It's been great to feel the old me raging forward. Funny story:
When I went running on Monday, I went by my self. My nose usually runs and I'm constantly sniffing trying to keep the snot from running into my mouth. When I can't stand it anymore I do a "Farmer blow" that's what we called it back home. A lot of other people call it a "Snot-rocket" ...you know...where you plug one side and shoot the snot out the other nostril and then switch and do the other side. This is the farthest thing from gross to me. I grew up with people doing it around me all the time. I remember seeing my Dad do it and I wanted to do it so I copied him and shot the snot right onto my shirt. No worries, I'm pro now. We would also do it during soccer games to distract the other players on the field. We'd shoot it right onto their shoes and they'd fahh-reak out. Ahhhh, good times.
So running on Monday....I did the "Farmer blow" and when I looked up there were a group of boys playing basketball that stopped and were staring at me and making really disgusted faces. I looked at them and said, "What? You've never seen snot before? Would you rather me be polite and ask to blow it on your shirt?...I'm happy, not crappy!" ...and kept running. And it was true, I was happy. I thought I was rather funny and couldn't stop laughing, which resulted in me, getting out of breath and choking on ..well , choking on air. And I had to slow down.
I had a light bulb moment of sorts today during today's run. I realized that I have all the tools to have a happy life. It was like one of those moments where you've known about this "thing" your whole life but you internalize it for the first time and it changes your life. Yup, had one of those. Needless to say, I've felt great.
I'm mending. I'm happy, not crappy.
I'm happy, not crappy!
One of the books I got at the library talks about positive affirmations. That's one of mine. Catchy right?..I thought so. So, the past few days I've been saying it over and over again, out loud. I've been in a great mood the past few days, I've felt energetic and alive. It's been great to feel the old me raging forward. Funny story:
When I went running on Monday, I went by my self. My nose usually runs and I'm constantly sniffing trying to keep the snot from running into my mouth. When I can't stand it anymore I do a "Farmer blow" that's what we called it back home. A lot of other people call it a "Snot-rocket" ...you know...where you plug one side and shoot the snot out the other nostril and then switch and do the other side. This is the farthest thing from gross to me. I grew up with people doing it around me all the time. I remember seeing my Dad do it and I wanted to do it so I copied him and shot the snot right onto my shirt. No worries, I'm pro now. We would also do it during soccer games to distract the other players on the field. We'd shoot it right onto their shoes and they'd fahh-reak out. Ahhhh, good times.
So running on Monday....I did the "Farmer blow" and when I looked up there were a group of boys playing basketball that stopped and were staring at me and making really disgusted faces. I looked at them and said, "What? You've never seen snot before? Would you rather me be polite and ask to blow it on your shirt?...I'm happy, not crappy!" ...and kept running. And it was true, I was happy. I thought I was rather funny and couldn't stop laughing, which resulted in me, getting out of breath and choking on ..well , choking on air. And I had to slow down.
I had a light bulb moment of sorts today during today's run. I realized that I have all the tools to have a happy life. It was like one of those moments where you've known about this "thing" your whole life but you internalize it for the first time and it changes your life. Yup, had one of those. Needless to say, I've felt great.
I'm mending. I'm happy, not crappy.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Confession # 11
Confession:
Most days I feel broken.
The Unbalance:
Okay, yesterday was a down day. I didn't explode on the husband or get upset about anything. I was just sad. The weird thing is I don't get sad about my life, I get sad about being sad and not going back to normal. Last night I just laid in bed trying to remember what it felt like to be totally and completely content about my life. I remember that I would have the occasional emotional day or just need a few minutes to cry but it was never like this.
I've been buying some new make-up lately and trying some new things, I guess so when I look in the mirror I can feel satisfied, and prettier. The husband came in and curled up next to me and asked what I was thinking and I told him. He didn't say anything for a little bit and said, " I feel like you get things for yourself, (new car, make-up, clothes, etc.) hoping that they will make things better, but then after a little bit, you're back to being sad again. I think you need to focus on the root of what is really bothering you, instead of trying to replace it with temporary items." It made sense. We got the car so that I could have the freedom to go do things during the day while husband is gone. I've mentioned having things planned for the day is really good for me. Like hanging out with girlfriends and chatting or going on a walk with another momma-friend and talking about out cuties. Problem is, people aren't available everyday for me to do that. I have to go do things on my own and alone, which doesn't really make me feel better all the time.
I explained to him about the make-up. I honest to goodness don't do my make up in the morning so that when I go out to Wal-Mart I get boys to hoot and holler at me. And I don't do it for my husband either. If I did, I would never wear make-up, he likes my face much better without it. I do it for me. I look in the mirror and see an exhausted, stressed out woman with purple bags under her eyes and I don't like looking at that. It's part of what I do during the day that helps it be a little bit better. I'm not trying to be vain. Honest. I do it for me.
Husband's reply was, "So, you're not comfortable in your own skin?"
Me,"Not on my bad days."
Husband,"Well it sounds like you need to start loving yourself more."
But how do I do that? When I'm in a depressed mood, how do I make myself realize my worth and importance? How do I remember and believe that there are going to be better days and that my life won't always be this way? How do I do that? I feel stuck. I feel completely broken.
Finding the Balance:
As I've been wallowing in my disappointment, discouragement, despair and broken-ness. I got on YouTube. I typed in, "Broken things to mend." And this is what popped up first.
"That the Savior's Atonement, lift's us, not only, from the burden of our sins, but also the burden of our disappointments, our sorrows, our heartaches and our despair....There can, and will be plenty of difficulties in life, nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as our Hymn says, "Beyond Our Own"
He also mentioned not yielding to fear, which I do every second of the day. Fear, that I will never be better, that I'll never overcome this, fear of an unhappy life.
What does that do for me? Nothing.
What a powerful message that was for me. As I sit in tears I will remember....
When I am lonely...I know I can find comfort.
When I am discouraged....I know I can find hope.
When I am in poor in spirit.. I can be strengthened.
When I feel broken...I know I can be mended.
The husband told me I needed to be more thankful as well.
Thankful thoughts for today: Thankful for the library and the four self-help books I got on depression and mood. We shall become best friends. :)
Thankful for the husband who never fails in telling me what I need to hear.
Most days I feel broken.
The Unbalance:
Okay, yesterday was a down day. I didn't explode on the husband or get upset about anything. I was just sad. The weird thing is I don't get sad about my life, I get sad about being sad and not going back to normal. Last night I just laid in bed trying to remember what it felt like to be totally and completely content about my life. I remember that I would have the occasional emotional day or just need a few minutes to cry but it was never like this.
I've been buying some new make-up lately and trying some new things, I guess so when I look in the mirror I can feel satisfied, and prettier. The husband came in and curled up next to me and asked what I was thinking and I told him. He didn't say anything for a little bit and said, " I feel like you get things for yourself, (new car, make-up, clothes, etc.) hoping that they will make things better, but then after a little bit, you're back to being sad again. I think you need to focus on the root of what is really bothering you, instead of trying to replace it with temporary items." It made sense. We got the car so that I could have the freedom to go do things during the day while husband is gone. I've mentioned having things planned for the day is really good for me. Like hanging out with girlfriends and chatting or going on a walk with another momma-friend and talking about out cuties. Problem is, people aren't available everyday for me to do that. I have to go do things on my own and alone, which doesn't really make me feel better all the time.
I explained to him about the make-up. I honest to goodness don't do my make up in the morning so that when I go out to Wal-Mart I get boys to hoot and holler at me. And I don't do it for my husband either. If I did, I would never wear make-up, he likes my face much better without it. I do it for me. I look in the mirror and see an exhausted, stressed out woman with purple bags under her eyes and I don't like looking at that. It's part of what I do during the day that helps it be a little bit better. I'm not trying to be vain. Honest. I do it for me.
Husband's reply was, "So, you're not comfortable in your own skin?"
Me,"Not on my bad days."
Husband,"Well it sounds like you need to start loving yourself more."
But how do I do that? When I'm in a depressed mood, how do I make myself realize my worth and importance? How do I remember and believe that there are going to be better days and that my life won't always be this way? How do I do that? I feel stuck. I feel completely broken.
Finding the Balance:
As I've been wallowing in my disappointment, discouragement, despair and broken-ness. I got on YouTube. I typed in, "Broken things to mend." And this is what popped up first.
"That the Savior's Atonement, lift's us, not only, from the burden of our sins, but also the burden of our disappointments, our sorrows, our heartaches and our despair....There can, and will be plenty of difficulties in life, nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as our Hymn says, "Beyond Our Own"
He also mentioned not yielding to fear, which I do every second of the day. Fear, that I will never be better, that I'll never overcome this, fear of an unhappy life.
What does that do for me? Nothing.
What a powerful message that was for me. As I sit in tears I will remember....
When I am lonely...I know I can find comfort.
When I am discouraged....I know I can find hope.
When I am in poor in spirit.. I can be strengthened.
When I feel broken...I know I can be mended.
The husband told me I needed to be more thankful as well.
Thankful thoughts for today: Thankful for the library and the four self-help books I got on depression and mood. We shall become best friends. :)
Thankful for the husband who never fails in telling me what I need to hear.
Confession # 10
Confession:
I got so mad I took my baby and I left.
The Unbalance:
I probably had the worst night I've ever experienced on Thursday. Talking about this is rather hard for me mostly because of how I dealt with it and it's embarrassing. If you can bare with me through the bad parts, the end is good. Sort of.
I woke up in a cheerful mood. Made breakfast, fed the baby banana apple yogurt, started some laundry, watched Dora The Explorer, then put the baby down for her morning nap, did my pilates, hopped in the shower, got dressed and ready, played with Baby P and worked on our sign language. (She is starting to sign "please" and "thank you". I'm quite proud of my polite baby.) Our neighbors knocked on our door and asked if I could watch their 16 month old while they moved out of their apartment, for a couple of hours. I said of course. Baby P was obviously excited because she had a play mate and I was thrilled thinking I could get some things done together while they played. You mother's with more then one kid are probably thinking, "yeah, right. She isn't going to get anything done." Well, low and behold, I didn't get a thing done. See, my baby is small, 16 pounds, 26 inches tall and quite petite. (except her cheeks...they're huge.) This girl can really hold her own. At church last Sunday a two year old boy took her binky from her and she climbed right up him, took back her binky and then pushed him over. He started to cry and "P" just looked at me like, "What? He took MY binky!" I apologized to his mom and she said, "Don't worry about it, he deserved it. Look at it this way, at least she can hold her own. Hopefully she still has that quality when she's older when it comes to boys!"
Anyway, I have quite an aggressive little one. She wouldn't leave her play mate alone and she kept getting mad that she was being touched. Needless to say I had my hands full and her parents were gone ALL day. Seriously. I thought it would be for a few hours. Nope. The whole day. So after picking up a completely destroyed house. I told the husband I needed to take a run. I felt so tense and stressed. I took off around the neighbor hood, taking my stress out on the pavement.
When I walked in the door my husbands eyes were fixed on the T.V. and my daughter had the blind cord wrapped around her neck twice and was slipping and she started to suffocate. I immediately ran to her and picked her up and unwrapped the cord from her neck. I turned to look at my husband and he just sat there asking me what was wrong. Can you guess what came next?...
The switch got flipped.
I started yelling about how careless he was being and wasn't even paying attention to her and what if I didn't come in the door right that second she could of choked or snapped her neck. I was furious. He didn't even say anything. Which fueled my anger even more. I asked him to turn off the T.V and he said, "Why?"..I lost it.
I started packing the baby up in her car seat and I left.
Once again I drove up to the temple and balled in my car. I was hyperventilating and shaking like a leaf. I was given the suggestion by reader to hum in a low voice when I have an anxiety attack the vibration seems to help. So I started doing that. It helped. I pretty much did that for 30 minutes until I stopped shaking.
I drove home. I came inside to a dark house. Husband had gone to bed. I woke him up and told him to come and sit in the living room with me. He came out, sat on the couch and stared at the floor. I asked why he didn't say anything to me and just looked at me like he didn't care. He told me no matter what he did or said, he knew it wouldn't make a difference, that I would still be mad. Which, I think I've been in denial about. I want to believe that he can say something or do something to magically get me out of my bad mood. But honestly, everything he does still ticks me off. Then, I got more upset and kept crying.
Finding the Balance:
That is the real question. How do I Find the Balance with this?
I got up and walked away, the husband immediately followed me, grabbed me and hugged me as tight as he could. I just sobbed in his arms. He grabbed my face and said, "This is not your fault. We're going to find the balance. I know it." That comforted me, but that aching fear that this will never go away and I won't feel like myself again still sat in the back of my mind.
So, for now, on my good days, I hold on to the the hope that my life will go back to normal and I'll become me again and pray that on my bad days I can remember that.
I got so mad I took my baby and I left.
The Unbalance:
I probably had the worst night I've ever experienced on Thursday. Talking about this is rather hard for me mostly because of how I dealt with it and it's embarrassing. If you can bare with me through the bad parts, the end is good. Sort of.
I woke up in a cheerful mood. Made breakfast, fed the baby banana apple yogurt, started some laundry, watched Dora The Explorer, then put the baby down for her morning nap, did my pilates, hopped in the shower, got dressed and ready, played with Baby P and worked on our sign language. (She is starting to sign "please" and "thank you". I'm quite proud of my polite baby.) Our neighbors knocked on our door and asked if I could watch their 16 month old while they moved out of their apartment, for a couple of hours. I said of course. Baby P was obviously excited because she had a play mate and I was thrilled thinking I could get some things done together while they played. You mother's with more then one kid are probably thinking, "yeah, right. She isn't going to get anything done." Well, low and behold, I didn't get a thing done. See, my baby is small, 16 pounds, 26 inches tall and quite petite. (except her cheeks...they're huge.) This girl can really hold her own. At church last Sunday a two year old boy took her binky from her and she climbed right up him, took back her binky and then pushed him over. He started to cry and "P" just looked at me like, "What? He took MY binky!" I apologized to his mom and she said, "Don't worry about it, he deserved it. Look at it this way, at least she can hold her own. Hopefully she still has that quality when she's older when it comes to boys!"
Anyway, I have quite an aggressive little one. She wouldn't leave her play mate alone and she kept getting mad that she was being touched. Needless to say I had my hands full and her parents were gone ALL day. Seriously. I thought it would be for a few hours. Nope. The whole day. So after picking up a completely destroyed house. I told the husband I needed to take a run. I felt so tense and stressed. I took off around the neighbor hood, taking my stress out on the pavement.
When I walked in the door my husbands eyes were fixed on the T.V. and my daughter had the blind cord wrapped around her neck twice and was slipping and she started to suffocate. I immediately ran to her and picked her up and unwrapped the cord from her neck. I turned to look at my husband and he just sat there asking me what was wrong. Can you guess what came next?...
The switch got flipped.
I started yelling about how careless he was being and wasn't even paying attention to her and what if I didn't come in the door right that second she could of choked or snapped her neck. I was furious. He didn't even say anything. Which fueled my anger even more. I asked him to turn off the T.V and he said, "Why?"..I lost it.
I started packing the baby up in her car seat and I left.
Once again I drove up to the temple and balled in my car. I was hyperventilating and shaking like a leaf. I was given the suggestion by reader to hum in a low voice when I have an anxiety attack the vibration seems to help. So I started doing that. It helped. I pretty much did that for 30 minutes until I stopped shaking.
I drove home. I came inside to a dark house. Husband had gone to bed. I woke him up and told him to come and sit in the living room with me. He came out, sat on the couch and stared at the floor. I asked why he didn't say anything to me and just looked at me like he didn't care. He told me no matter what he did or said, he knew it wouldn't make a difference, that I would still be mad. Which, I think I've been in denial about. I want to believe that he can say something or do something to magically get me out of my bad mood. But honestly, everything he does still ticks me off. Then, I got more upset and kept crying.
Finding the Balance:
That is the real question. How do I Find the Balance with this?
I got up and walked away, the husband immediately followed me, grabbed me and hugged me as tight as he could. I just sobbed in his arms. He grabbed my face and said, "This is not your fault. We're going to find the balance. I know it." That comforted me, but that aching fear that this will never go away and I won't feel like myself again still sat in the back of my mind.
So, for now, on my good days, I hold on to the the hope that my life will go back to normal and I'll become me again and pray that on my bad days I can remember that.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Confession # 9
Confession:
I cry when I don't mean to cry.
The Unbalance:
You know what I'm talking about. When your talking about something that really isn't emotional for you and then all of a sudden you start crying and you can't stop. Yeah, that happened today. And it just so happened it was in front of someone I really didn't want to see me cry, which normally results in spilling your guts about why your crying. As I proceeded to give a watered down version of what I'd been going through the past several months I started to cry. I didn't want to cry. In that moment I didn't feel emotional. But for some reason my body back fired on me and I started to cry. When I said I was on an anti-depressant, I was instantly reprimanded for the choice I made. I said that this was my last option, because I'd been suffering, alone, for so long and I didn't want to be the person I'd been. For the next 5 minutes I was lectured. I felt like I was 15 and my dad was telling me how I did something wrong..yaada yaada yaada. During this whole time I was crying, not really listening, trying to make myself stop crying.
Well, needless to say, I left fast. Got into my car and headed to the bank where I proceeded to blubber through the intercom to the bank teller, she was sweet and asked me if I was okay, I'm not sure if she understood me as I was sobbing and trying to say, "I'm just so emotional!" Completely embarrassing. I drove up to the temple to just sit and cry. As I was having a pity party for myself, my sweet Baby P starting babbling and laughing at herself. And then I had quite an uplifting moment:
I had a vision of my life in the future as a mother and saw two more of my sweet little babies. As I saw myself with my children I could sense I would still struggle probably forever. But then I felt the most amazing happiness..JOY even! I felt that Heavenly Father was still aware of me. In my spiritual DNA He built me to be a mother...no where within the strands of hormonal unbalance, stress, anxiety, plain ol' being overwhelmed,, and everything in between in that DNA did he put failure. He wants me to succeed. He's there to help me to succeed.
Finding the Balance:
Well, can you guess what I did? no?....
1. I focused on the good.
I started vocally saying my blessings. Healthy baby, supportive husband, loving family, nice home..
I know by taking an anti-depressant that I'm doing nothing wrong. I did my homework about it and talked in depth with my Doc. It was the right decision for me. During my encounter today I was told the only thing that an anti-depressants do is mask the problem and that it won't take it away. Well, I realize this. I know very well that my problems aren't going to go away by just taking a pill everyday. I started this blog. I started exercising on a daily basis and I'm seeking counseling. I understand that if I'm not willing to help change the things I can control that I won't progress.
2. I LET IT GO.
Oh, you read that correctly. I let it go!
As much as it P.O'd me that I was told all these things and it frustrated. It didn't change the fact that I made the right decision for myself. So, I waved it good-bye.
3. I took a run.
Went on another 4 mile run with BFF Ames, which resulted in very uplifting and enlightening conversation. Thanks girl. :)
So although the middle of my day was a complete pain in the rear. I was able to overcome it. So this could be considered Victory Confession # 2? I think so.
I've decided when I'm judged for the choices I'VE made in MY life..those people really don't matter to me...and I move on with the same confidence I've always had.
I cry when I don't mean to cry.
The Unbalance:
You know what I'm talking about. When your talking about something that really isn't emotional for you and then all of a sudden you start crying and you can't stop. Yeah, that happened today. And it just so happened it was in front of someone I really didn't want to see me cry, which normally results in spilling your guts about why your crying. As I proceeded to give a watered down version of what I'd been going through the past several months I started to cry. I didn't want to cry. In that moment I didn't feel emotional. But for some reason my body back fired on me and I started to cry. When I said I was on an anti-depressant, I was instantly reprimanded for the choice I made. I said that this was my last option, because I'd been suffering, alone, for so long and I didn't want to be the person I'd been. For the next 5 minutes I was lectured. I felt like I was 15 and my dad was telling me how I did something wrong..yaada yaada yaada. During this whole time I was crying, not really listening, trying to make myself stop crying.
Well, needless to say, I left fast. Got into my car and headed to the bank where I proceeded to blubber through the intercom to the bank teller, she was sweet and asked me if I was okay, I'm not sure if she understood me as I was sobbing and trying to say, "I'm just so emotional!" Completely embarrassing. I drove up to the temple to just sit and cry. As I was having a pity party for myself, my sweet Baby P starting babbling and laughing at herself. And then I had quite an uplifting moment:
I had a vision of my life in the future as a mother and saw two more of my sweet little babies. As I saw myself with my children I could sense I would still struggle probably forever. But then I felt the most amazing happiness..JOY even! I felt that Heavenly Father was still aware of me. In my spiritual DNA He built me to be a mother...no where within the strands of hormonal unbalance, stress, anxiety, plain ol' being overwhelmed,, and everything in between in that DNA did he put failure. He wants me to succeed. He's there to help me to succeed.
Finding the Balance:
Well, can you guess what I did? no?....
1. I focused on the good.
I started vocally saying my blessings. Healthy baby, supportive husband, loving family, nice home..
I know by taking an anti-depressant that I'm doing nothing wrong. I did my homework about it and talked in depth with my Doc. It was the right decision for me. During my encounter today I was told the only thing that an anti-depressants do is mask the problem and that it won't take it away. Well, I realize this. I know very well that my problems aren't going to go away by just taking a pill everyday. I started this blog. I started exercising on a daily basis and I'm seeking counseling. I understand that if I'm not willing to help change the things I can control that I won't progress.
2. I LET IT GO.
Oh, you read that correctly. I let it go!
As much as it P.O'd me that I was told all these things and it frustrated. It didn't change the fact that I made the right decision for myself. So, I waved it good-bye.
3. I took a run.
Went on another 4 mile run with BFF Ames, which resulted in very uplifting and enlightening conversation. Thanks girl. :)
So although the middle of my day was a complete pain in the rear. I was able to overcome it. So this could be considered Victory Confession # 2? I think so.
I've decided when I'm judged for the choices I'VE made in MY life..those people really don't matter to me...and I move on with the same confidence I've always had.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Victory Confession #1
Victory Confession:
Exercise is where I found control.
How I found the balance:
Forgive my lack of writing this whole week. To be honest, I didn't have anything to write about. It was the first week in almost 18 months (9 months being pregnant and these past 9 months after Baby P was born) that I felt like my old self and I was basking in that wonderful feeling. You wanna know what my secret is?.....I starting running. RUNNING!
I've hated running my whole life. I joined track in the 7th grade, mostly because everybody else was joining and after the first day of practice I wanted to quit. I started coming up with a plan to fake an injury so I could get out of doing it, without actually quitting because, let's face it I'm kind of a quitter, but didn't want anybody to know that. Well after a few more days of excruciating pain I told myself I was gonna fake twisting my ankle or my knee or something. Well, turns out, me being voted "Most Clumsy" my Senior year was right on track. During our stretches and pre-running exercises I tripped on my shoelace and my knee locked. It was stuck for awhile and I had to go get an MRI, turns out, my cartilage was torn and I had to get surgery. I was ecstatic. Seriously, I was. I was able to "be excused" from track and I got lots of attention because I had to be on crutches for awhile.
In High School I joined soccer. Worst.Idea.Ever. That's right up there with Track and Cross Country in the running department. What was I thinking? Well, I wasn't. I joined mostly because the coach said, he didn't care if we were bad and that he'd teach us and it'd be lots of fun and my best friend was joining and I thought if she was there it wouldn't be too bad. Well, ends up that my BFF was really good and usually played Varsity while I sat on JV and got yelled at by the coach because I sucked and wasn't fast enough. I got into pretty good shape, but it never failed that everyday as I watched the clock reach 3:24pm I would dread getting my soccer gear on and going to practice. I eventually quit half way through my Senior Year because I plain ole' didn't like it.
My first semester of college I was going to take a fitness class and at the last second dropped it because I found out we had to run mile under a certain amount of time at the end of the semester, and I stressed so much about it I made myself sick and thought it would be best to quit (once again..surprise, surprise) Which resulting in me gaining 20 pounds and not fitting into any of my pants.
So you see, I've always hated running. And I'm still not a huge fan of it. But I bought a jogger three weeks ago and that kind of made the husband upset because Winter is almost here and I won't be able to use it until next Spring, he thought it was a waste of money. So, to get back into his good graces I told him I would use it as much as possible now and I would start running a few times a week. And I did. I asked a friend to go along with me that also wanted to start running so every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we go to the park and run for at least 30 minutes.
My dad let me in on a little secret to help you to start running without killing yourself. Run for 1 minute, walk for 2 minutes. Do that for a week. Then run a 1 1/2 minutes and walk 1 1/2 minutes. So, as the weeks progress increase your running time and decrease your walking time. I love this because, I can go for quite a while without wanting to die, because I get a little bit of a break. But I'm still keeping my heart-rate up and getting into shape. I started this technique just this last week and my friend and I have been clocking 4 miles with every run. I am quite PROUD of myself! And I have felt amazing. I haven't been moody, or irritated. I haven't snapped at the husband and I've been joyful and grateful every second for the life I have.
Honest to goodness I thought I would be thee LAST person to run this regularly or to even promote running as a way to cope with the roller coaster of emotions us ladies go through. And when I'm running I don't absolutely love it. But with each step that hits the ground I feel better and better. And I know that I'm improving my life in more then just one way.
A little bit of boasting time: I've been in a size 9/10 jean every since I can remember and I now fit comfortably in a size 6. I am also 16 pounds UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight.
Now, today is the Sabbath and we try our very best to keep it Holy. We don't go shopping, or buy things, or go out to eat or get too rowdy with our friends because it's the Lord's day. And today I didn't exercise and today has been a bad day emotionally. My mother helped me to come to the conclusion that maybe some light exercise wouldn't be so disrespectful on Sunday because it really helps me to release the stress, anxiety, and negative emotions that bottle up inside me. So I have concluded that Sunday morning I will do pilates. If this is something that improves my mood, which in turn keeps the Spirit in our home (which affects my family, and those closest to me) I think it's only a good thing.
Out of this whole mess of depression and mood swings and lashing out at my poor husband, which I feel completely out of control, I have found some control with exercising, and I'm going to take whatever I can get.
Exercise is where I found control.
How I found the balance:
Forgive my lack of writing this whole week. To be honest, I didn't have anything to write about. It was the first week in almost 18 months (9 months being pregnant and these past 9 months after Baby P was born) that I felt like my old self and I was basking in that wonderful feeling. You wanna know what my secret is?.....I starting running. RUNNING!
I've hated running my whole life. I joined track in the 7th grade, mostly because everybody else was joining and after the first day of practice I wanted to quit. I started coming up with a plan to fake an injury so I could get out of doing it, without actually quitting because, let's face it I'm kind of a quitter, but didn't want anybody to know that. Well after a few more days of excruciating pain I told myself I was gonna fake twisting my ankle or my knee or something. Well, turns out, me being voted "Most Clumsy" my Senior year was right on track. During our stretches and pre-running exercises I tripped on my shoelace and my knee locked. It was stuck for awhile and I had to go get an MRI, turns out, my cartilage was torn and I had to get surgery. I was ecstatic. Seriously, I was. I was able to "be excused" from track and I got lots of attention because I had to be on crutches for awhile.
In High School I joined soccer. Worst.Idea.Ever. That's right up there with Track and Cross Country in the running department. What was I thinking? Well, I wasn't. I joined mostly because the coach said, he didn't care if we were bad and that he'd teach us and it'd be lots of fun and my best friend was joining and I thought if she was there it wouldn't be too bad. Well, ends up that my BFF was really good and usually played Varsity while I sat on JV and got yelled at by the coach because I sucked and wasn't fast enough. I got into pretty good shape, but it never failed that everyday as I watched the clock reach 3:24pm I would dread getting my soccer gear on and going to practice. I eventually quit half way through my Senior Year because I plain ole' didn't like it.
My first semester of college I was going to take a fitness class and at the last second dropped it because I found out we had to run mile under a certain amount of time at the end of the semester, and I stressed so much about it I made myself sick and thought it would be best to quit (once again..surprise, surprise) Which resulting in me gaining 20 pounds and not fitting into any of my pants.
So you see, I've always hated running. And I'm still not a huge fan of it. But I bought a jogger three weeks ago and that kind of made the husband upset because Winter is almost here and I won't be able to use it until next Spring, he thought it was a waste of money. So, to get back into his good graces I told him I would use it as much as possible now and I would start running a few times a week. And I did. I asked a friend to go along with me that also wanted to start running so every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we go to the park and run for at least 30 minutes.
My dad let me in on a little secret to help you to start running without killing yourself. Run for 1 minute, walk for 2 minutes. Do that for a week. Then run a 1 1/2 minutes and walk 1 1/2 minutes. So, as the weeks progress increase your running time and decrease your walking time. I love this because, I can go for quite a while without wanting to die, because I get a little bit of a break. But I'm still keeping my heart-rate up and getting into shape. I started this technique just this last week and my friend and I have been clocking 4 miles with every run. I am quite PROUD of myself! And I have felt amazing. I haven't been moody, or irritated. I haven't snapped at the husband and I've been joyful and grateful every second for the life I have.
Honest to goodness I thought I would be thee LAST person to run this regularly or to even promote running as a way to cope with the roller coaster of emotions us ladies go through. And when I'm running I don't absolutely love it. But with each step that hits the ground I feel better and better. And I know that I'm improving my life in more then just one way.
A little bit of boasting time: I've been in a size 9/10 jean every since I can remember and I now fit comfortably in a size 6. I am also 16 pounds UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight.
Now, today is the Sabbath and we try our very best to keep it Holy. We don't go shopping, or buy things, or go out to eat or get too rowdy with our friends because it's the Lord's day. And today I didn't exercise and today has been a bad day emotionally. My mother helped me to come to the conclusion that maybe some light exercise wouldn't be so disrespectful on Sunday because it really helps me to release the stress, anxiety, and negative emotions that bottle up inside me. So I have concluded that Sunday morning I will do pilates. If this is something that improves my mood, which in turn keeps the Spirit in our home (which affects my family, and those closest to me) I think it's only a good thing.
Out of this whole mess of depression and mood swings and lashing out at my poor husband, which I feel completely out of control, I have found some control with exercising, and I'm going to take whatever I can get.
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