Monday, October 18, 2010

Confession # 8


I had my first anxiety attack this weekend.

The Unbalance:

I experience a lot of anxiety but not the extent of having an actual anxiety attack.  But on Friday night the switch got flipped and I lost it.  I feel really embarrassed about what I freaked out about.

Last Tuesday we bought a new car. A white, Ford Explorer. We finally have two cars and the Explorer is really mine to use. It's a 2003 so its not brand new, but it's brand new to us.  The husband wanted to have a guys day on Saturday and take the Explorer and go explore some caves that are around where we live.

The night before he left I freaked out about him taking my brand new car.  I was worried about it getting dirty, him driving crazy, it getting stuck, and something horrible happening to it.

He kept telling me there was NO way our Honda would make it and needed to take my car to get there. I started getting upset and crying.  Then I started hyperventilating and shaking. Husband was really confused and was just staring at me.  We were lying in bed at 12 o'clock at night, and I got out of bed and just started pacing arond the living room, just fahh-reaking out.  

I broke down even more when I realized how ridiculous this all was. But I couldn't shake the anxiety of my car being taken. I kept telling myself over and over that this was stupid. It's not a big deal, why are you acting like a complete psycho?? 
NO matter what I did, it didn't go away. I just kept balling and breathing too fast and shaking. I eventually cried myself to sleep and woke up in the morning with a splitting headache.  I looked in the mirror and my face looked like a huge ball of puffiness.  And my eyes were blood shot.  

I knew I was back to a rational mindset and was totally fine with the husband taking my car.  

Finding the Balance:

I'm going to be honest and say, I have no idea how to help fix this.  I was in the craziest mind set and I honestly felt insane.  I hated that I was like that. 

I've been on my medication a month now and called my Doc to let her know how I was doing.  I told her I could tell it was working in some areas, but I was still having a few bad days.  She raised the dosage to, two pills a day instead of one.  Once again it'll take a few weeks for me to feel a difference.

When I'm not in those moods, I think "When, I'm in that kind of mood I'm going to choose to just not be that way, I'm not going to lets things bother me."  But when I get like that, I feel like I have no control over the way I'm feeling or thinking.  Rational thinking just flies out the window. I'm able to think, "this isn't a big deal, let it go." But I can't. I just don't know what to make it stop in that moment.  

I suppose this is the biggest challenge I face that I can't find the balance with.  I guess striving to do those things in my daily that I feel like I can control and choose to be be better.  One day at a time.