Friday, January 7, 2011

Confession # 14


Change is hard. Change is inevitable. 

The Unbalance:

We are creatures of habit. When that habit faces change, whether it be because of our circumstances, because it's wrong or because it's not good for us...that's hard.  We all have them. And some are harder to overcome then others.

For some....

It's hard to forgive.
It's hard to be social.
It's hard to not spend money even when you don't have any.
It's hard to have faith.
It's hard to cope with burdens alone.
It's hard being part of a new family.
It's hard being part of your own family.
It's hard to not be judgemental.
It's hard to choose the right, when doing something wrong seems so much easier.
It's hard to be happy, when being angry feels better for some reason. 
It's hard overcoming weaknesses.

Life is just hard sometimes.

With my continued struggle with PPD I have days where I don't see the point in being better or even trying to be better. It's not until, miraculously, something or someone helps me to see the light and understand how I can change, and that I want to change.  

How do we do that?.... How do we get a desire to change?....How? 

Do we just wait around being idle expecting that Harry Potter's going to come and swish his wand around and fix it? (that would nice...and kinda cool)

That's not how it works though. What does faith mean to you?  Believing in something you can't see? Having a hope that something will happen, even though you're just sitting there?

Finding the balance: 

Faith is Action. Doing something to find the truth. Doing something to help you change.

For those who believe in God and know He's real and exists and loves you. How do you know that? You seek after Him. You read his words. You pray to Him.

When taking a test at school do you just have faith that you'll automatically know everything and pass? You have to study and know the material you have to educate yourself.

When becoming a new mother do you know everything there is to know about being a mom? You ask questions, you read books, you talk to your doctor, have get experience through other people's children.

That's what faith is. Doing something. Taking steps on your own to find a way to the truth.

I know that by taking an anti-depressant isn't going to take away my PPD.  If I expect that the medication will just take it away, I would be in for a big shocker  when I got off my medicine. I would relapse.  So what have I done to ensure that I will be better when I do get off my meds?  I have found outlets to release my frustrations and my sadness.

I exercise daily. I write so I can let it all out.  I go to my Father in Heaven in prayer when I am in my deepest despair.  I make a conscious effort daily to choose to be better and to keep looking for ways to improve myself as a mother and a wife.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a remarkable thing.  The Atonement is where Jesus willing died upon a cross for you and for me.  He died for our weaknesses and shortcomings.  He died for our pain and infirmities.  He died for our moments of despair and disappointments.  He died for the wrong we have done and wrong things we will do later.  Because He died for us, for all those things..He knows what it's like when we go through them and He can and will help us.

And do you know the best part? It's an Infinite Atonement. That means it works anytime, anywhere with anyone.

Change is hard. Change is inevitable.

But we do have control over how we change, when we change and what we do with that change.

Yours truly,
           the unbalanced woman.