Friday, October 19, 2012

Victory Confession # 15 & 16

Victory Confession #15 & 16  -Life is a battlefield, and we fight together.

Cheesy line up there right? Ha. I thought it was funny.

Ya know, it's amazing what writing my problems out can do for me. There are a few things it does in particular...

1. It is a release for me to be able to talk (write) about what my struggles are so I can work them out. Almost a physical release like running is.

2. It hold me accountable to what I've committed to do better.
3. The feedback I receive provides me with great support.

I was just telling dear hubby yesterday that I feel like I'm always the one checking in on my friends and making sure they're okay, but no one ever checks on me. I don't expect that from my friends, well maybe I do. Okay, not expect it, just wish for it every once in awhile. I received an out pouring of loves from lots of you. Thanks.

My victory today is two-fold. 

First, today has gone much better than the last month combined. I finally figured something out, that should of been a no-brainer to me months ago but finally had the light bulb moment today.  In my morning prayers I'm constantly asking to be blessed, to help me, me, me..but this morning I changed my tune. This morning I asked, "What do you want me to do for HER?" Not only is she my daughter but she is Heavenly Father's as well. He knows her better than me, and since I am her mother and have stewardship over her, He can help me know what's best for her. 

DONK! (slaps forehead) 

And all day long I felt quiet promptings leading me to be a better momma for my Little P. And she responded wonderfully.  I didn't yell today. Yes, you read that right. Wait,.....did I TYPE THAT RIGHT?!?!

Yes, I didn't yell. I deserve a prize. 

Okay, not a prize.

Maybe a sticker.

Yes, someone mail me a sticker.

Little P was happy and cheerful. She listened and obeyed. We talked a lot and played even more.  I took the time to just be. JUST BE. And she became a completely different little lady.

It was...just...BAHH, it was just great. I feel like dancing. Excuse me.

(doing a little dance.....)

Okay second victory for today.

Dear hubby and I went on a date. It was our first date since BEFORE Baby M arrived. It was so fun.  We laughed over dinner and played hockey with the sugar packets while we waited for our food.  I tried something new, instead of ordering the same thing. He forced me to taste his strawberry milkshake and I didn't like it, but it made my mouth water so much it left me wanting more. So I kept drinking it, even thought I didn't like it. And now I have gas. Because of the strawberries. 

Yes. Strawberries give me gas. 

It's fine.

Once dinner was over I had arranged for us to go horseback riding. Something I haven't done it about 8 years. When we got there, things didn't work out and there weren't any horses. So we went mini golfing instead at this very ghetto outdoor mini golfing place. Where it was full of a bunch of teenagers afraid to hold the other persons hand. 

It was funny.
Watching the awkwardness.

There was a little girl golfing behind us that would whisper every time we were about to putt saying...."I'm helping you by closing my eyes and breathing like this..." and then she would proceed to exhale out her nose very loudly. I got several holes in one. Which never happens. Her helping worked out nicely for me.

It was a wonderful evening and we came home to sleepy but happy children. 

Days like this, make all the bad worth it. And make the future bad days..not so bad.

Oh yeah, the cheesey line at the beginning...

We were leaving the mini golfing place and had to go through a parking garage to get to our car and this was our conversation:

Hubby: this parking garage is weird. they painted it funny colors.
Wifey: I think it's creepy, some man could just come out and attack us. But I'd kick him in the balls.
Hubby: What if it was a women?
Wifey: I'd still kick her down there...there's a bone there it hurts when it gets hit.
Hubby: What if she was wearing a cup?
Wifey: Then I'd punch her in the boob.
Hubby: What if she was wearing protective boob cups?
Wifey: Then I'd pull her hair out.
Hubby: What if her head was shaved?
Wifey: I'd scratch her face with my finger nails and poke her in the eyes.
Hubby: What if she had protective gear all over her head?
Wifey: Then I'd knee her in the gut.
Hubby: What if that area was protected too?
Wifey: Then I'd tackle her and fart in her face and run her over with the car for good measure.
Hubby: *long pause* Well, you've just thought of everything haven't you?
Wifey: Um, yeah I'm not going to let someone take advantage of me like that.
Hubby: You know I'd help you right?...if you needed it.
Wifey: I know.

For some reason I thought of that line when he offered his help. 

He told me yesterday,after he read my post, he was grateful I was fighting so hard to be a better momma and that I could count on him for anything.

This is true love my friends.

Yours truly,

the unbalanced, mother of 2, and victorious for a day.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Confession #21 I have anger issues

Confession #21: I have anger issues, and not proud of it

Growing up I never struggled with depression or anger.  I did have the occasional frustrated outbursts as a highly hormonal teenager but what girl doesn't when they're 16 and don't get their way?

I had anxiety too, but again, when someone spreads an untrue rumor, that no one would ever believe, about you any 17 year old would be on edge a little bit.

Before becoming a mother I couldn't even comprehend how women could feel depressed or have, what felt like life threatening anxiety attacks, out of the clear blue.  Or feel complete rage at the flip of a switch. I didn't understand and I thought something was wrong with them. I thought they were bad mothers.  How could you feel such things, when you have such a beautiful and precious little person that you created?

You don't know what it's really like, or even understand a little bit until it's you and you're the one experiencing it.  It's horrible. Once it's over you feel guilty and ashamed. You feel like a bad mother. And those that don't understand think you're a bad mother too..because I thought that before I really knew.

I have this INCREDIBLE 2 1/2 year old daughter that everyone that knew me growing up says she is my mini me. She is independent and stubborn.  She is a picky eater and hasn't stopped loving her baby brother for one second.  She hits other kids when she doesn't get her way, she plays dress up with my shoes every day of the week.

But there are days where I don't like her.  I don't like her at all.  Sometimes all I hear her do is whine, constantly whine.  And all I do is yell at her. Like, really yell. Lately she is testing her boundaries. She's doing everything that she knows she not suppose too and seeing if she'll still get disciplined.  It's been a tough month in this house.  I feel like I'm always yelling.  I feel like I'm always putting her in time out, or sending her to her room.  She knows how to talk, she just refuses  to use her words or obey the rules so she cries and cries and keeps on crying.

I struggle with her everyday.  I get to a point where I don't want to be around her. She comes into a room and I just want to leave it because I know she just wants to whine to me about something.

I can't change the fact that I've yelled at her at the top of my lungs and probably have shaken my house. I can't change what I've done in the past, despite being ashamed and feeling sorry. But I can change what I do today and tomorrow.  It's really hard. Most times...okay, all the time it's easier for me to yell at her and just be angry. Even though I should just love her and be calm. I realize that will take time for her to respond too and it's better for everybody. But it's plain hard.

I but I need to try. I want to.  

I feel like I'm constantly trying to stay calm and taking deep breaths and counting to 10 or whatever. I really want to be one of those mom's where my kids grow up and say, "Mom, never yelled. She was always so loving."  I'm hoping Little P doesn't remember being 2.

My 40 year old self constantly reminds me to slow down and savor each moment. To take time to just be with my children. To be more loving and soft spoken. To be joyful about my life. Because it's pretty darn good.

You hear about other people's struggles in their lives and you always think, " Man, I'm glad I don't have their troubles. I'll keep my own."  My dad reminds me of this often. It makes me more grateful for what I have and the things I struggle with.

So, keep trying to be better....and then try some more.

Yours truly,

the unbalanced, mother of 2