Monday, June 20, 2011

Victory Confession #12: Chang IS Possible

Victory Confession # 12: Change IS Possible.

I feel so incredible.

I finally feel at home here. We've made friends. Great friends. Who make us laugh and make us feel welcome. Who let us borrow tortillas and invite us over for Father Day dinner. Who stock our freezer with cinnamon rolls and who'll watch Baby P on a Friday night for us.

That first month was real hard.  I cried almost constantly. Usually when people were around, why do our tears act like that is the MOST appropriate time to starting gushing?..when people are watching. Unpleasant.

I ached for our old friends. I looked through all our past pictures over and over and over... I was depressed. In a different way though. I constantly felt sorry for myself. I wasn't appreciating any of the goodness around me.

You know what got me out of it? I was so wrapped up in what was going on with our friends back in Idaho and making sure they didn't forget about us and I ended up being disappointed that they weren't trying as hard as I was to keep in touch. I finally thought, "this is never going to end unless I just let go."

Do you remember my family motto growing up? "If you can't do anything about it, don't worry about it." I couldn't make our friends miss us more, I couldn't make them pay more attention to me when they have their own lives. I couldn't change a single thing. So guess what I did Dad?!?!?......

Oh, you better believe it.  I LET IT GO!  I've been real bad at that whole "if you set your mind to it, you can do it..." kinda thing. Yeah, not really good at that. But by some pure miracle in my emotionally, bad connected brain, that night I did it. I just decided and I did it. Miracle.

Ever since then, it's like I've become me again. Still trying to figure that out still, but I felt free in a way. Free of all this emotional weight I'd been carrying around, when I didn't even have to do it in the first place.

I started running again. Eating better. Feeling better. 

I'd also like to announce that in two weeks from today I will be COMPLETELY off my depression medication!

I've been taking it slow getting off, making sure I'm ready. That I can handle it.  That I'll be okay.  

I want to tell you that I'm okay. I'll be okay.  It's been almost 9 months that I've been on it. To tell you the truth I'm proud of myself.  I've been reading some of my past posts over the past several months and I've come such a long way.  

Things aren't going to be perfect. In fact, I'm counting on them not being perfect, or even close really. Just better.  I now have the tools and even better the confidence to help myself. To continue to overcome this nasty case of Postpartum Depression.  I am not ashamed of it. I'm not scared of it. I know where I have the control and how to put that towards being a better me. A better mother and wife.

This will be a lifelong journey for me I'm sure.  I will have more babies. I will have more struggles. Things will change in my life. People will change in my life. I'll have hard days and good days. I'm sure I'll be back here in the future with new confessions and new victories..this is not the end.  I hope whoever reads this and whatever you're going through you can find hope in the future. 

Hope, that there will always be better days ahead...

A dear friend of mine told me, that I'll eventually catch my breath again...

It feels good to breathe again.

Yours truly,
the unbalanced woman