Thursday, August 25, 2011

Victory Confession - I'm going to be a mother again.

 Victory Confession - I'm going to be a mother again.

My last post was rather encouraging as my emotional state seemed to have balanced itself out and I was feeling superb. Once off my anti-depressant, settled into our new home in the HOT state of Utah, dearest hubby and I felt that it was time for another little one to join our family. Four weeks after that discussion there was, in fact, a tiny little person starting to grow inside my tummy.

When making this rather big decision to create another life, that I would be in charge of the majority of the day, along with Toddler P,  to my surprise there wasn't much hesitation. There wasn't fear or anxiety. No stress.  I think mostly the fact that I had comfort from the other side of the veil, made this simple: It was time to have another baby. So, we tried. We were successful.  

The first two weeks I knew I was pregnant were wonderful. I wasn't sick, or tired.  I could feel small changes in my body here in there, nothing too dramatic. Well, that all changed very quickly.  

With Toddler P I was very sick. Throwing up multiple times a day, went to work part-time, slept as often as possible. It was quite awful. When I became sick this time around, the memories of how much I didn't enjoy it came flooding back to me. Constant nausea, throwing up, nothing sounds good, nothing tastes good. Exhausted..sooo exhausted. I was miserable.  After suffering for about a week I called the good ol' midwife and pleaded for some help. So, I went and got some fluids and some anti-nausea medication and went back to bed.

The first week on the medicine did pretty much nothing. I was still sick, if anything I was sicker.  Then, miraculously it started working and I started feeling less sick all the time.  Don't get me wrong, I still felt awful, just not as bad. 

My dear dear dear Dad volunteered to come take care of me and Toddler P for about 4 days. Bless his soul.  I don't know many Dad's that would be willing to come, alone, to take care of his pregnant and sick daughter and granddaughter. Plus, do all the cooking, cleaning and play with Toddler P all day. He's pretty great.  I cried when he left.

The week after that, hubby took off the mornings for the entire week to help me out so I could slowly get ready. I survived yet another week.

I am a few days away from that beloved week 12 and not only am I starting (very slowly) to feel better. But now, my mother is here. For an entire week to take care of us. If this isn't a blessed life, I don't know what is.

I've done my fair share ( and probably a little more) of complaining these past several weeks, but all the while I've been trying to see all the good. And to be grateful.  

There are so many woman who can't bear children.  If I could give them my very fertile and healthy reproductive parts for 9 months I would.  I get to bring life into this world in the most beautiful way.  Motherhood is so special. Although it doesn't feel like the "noblest calling" 24/7.  We get pooped on and thrown up on, we get kicked and pinched, we get grouchy toddler's that only say "no", we get morning sickness that prevents us from being the best mother we can be. The moments of joy and victories are quick and very short lived.  But when we recognize those moments and let them carry us through all the hard.  Our ability to be a better mother will only increase.  

Am I fearful of suffering with PPD once again this time around? Sure.
But I know what to expect more this time and I know what to do to quick it's trash.

Yours truly,

the pregnant unbalanced woman.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Victory Confession #12: Chang IS Possible

Victory Confession # 12: Change IS Possible.

I feel so incredible.

I finally feel at home here. We've made friends. Great friends. Who make us laugh and make us feel welcome. Who let us borrow tortillas and invite us over for Father Day dinner. Who stock our freezer with cinnamon rolls and who'll watch Baby P on a Friday night for us.

That first month was real hard.  I cried almost constantly. Usually when people were around, why do our tears act like that is the MOST appropriate time to starting gushing?..when people are watching. Unpleasant.

I ached for our old friends. I looked through all our past pictures over and over and over... I was depressed. In a different way though. I constantly felt sorry for myself. I wasn't appreciating any of the goodness around me.

You know what got me out of it? I was so wrapped up in what was going on with our friends back in Idaho and making sure they didn't forget about us and I ended up being disappointed that they weren't trying as hard as I was to keep in touch. I finally thought, "this is never going to end unless I just let go."

Do you remember my family motto growing up? "If you can't do anything about it, don't worry about it." I couldn't make our friends miss us more, I couldn't make them pay more attention to me when they have their own lives. I couldn't change a single thing. So guess what I did Dad?!?!?......

Oh, you better believe it.  I LET IT GO!  I've been real bad at that whole "if you set your mind to it, you can do it..." kinda thing. Yeah, not really good at that. But by some pure miracle in my emotionally, bad connected brain, that night I did it. I just decided and I did it. Miracle.

Ever since then, it's like I've become me again. Still trying to figure that out still, but I felt free in a way. Free of all this emotional weight I'd been carrying around, when I didn't even have to do it in the first place.

I started running again. Eating better. Feeling better. 

I'd also like to announce that in two weeks from today I will be COMPLETELY off my depression medication!

I've been taking it slow getting off, making sure I'm ready. That I can handle it.  That I'll be okay.  

I want to tell you that I'm okay. I'll be okay.  It's been almost 9 months that I've been on it. To tell you the truth I'm proud of myself.  I've been reading some of my past posts over the past several months and I've come such a long way.  

Things aren't going to be perfect. In fact, I'm counting on them not being perfect, or even close really. Just better.  I now have the tools and even better the confidence to help myself. To continue to overcome this nasty case of Postpartum Depression.  I am not ashamed of it. I'm not scared of it. I know where I have the control and how to put that towards being a better me. A better mother and wife.

This will be a lifelong journey for me I'm sure.  I will have more babies. I will have more struggles. Things will change in my life. People will change in my life. I'll have hard days and good days. I'm sure I'll be back here in the future with new confessions and new victories..this is not the end.  I hope whoever reads this and whatever you're going through you can find hope in the future. 

Hope, that there will always be better days ahead...

A dear friend of mine told me, that I'll eventually catch my breath again...

It feels good to breathe again.

Yours truly,
the unbalanced woman


Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Victory Confession #11

Victory Confession #11

Prayers are answered.

I wrote this super long Confession earlier today about how letting go is tough work, and about my emotional sob story about when our friends left after an awesome, laughter filled weekend and how I blubbered all the way home after they left and all night long and in my dreams and into this morning.... if you are wondering if there were any tears left??...Yes, there were plenty more.  I was just saving them up to use later on husbands white work shirt.

After reading it a few times and getting more and more depressed over the fact of how awful I was making my life sound, I decided to pray.  Praying for peace, for hope, praying for guidance, praying for relief.  I decided to take Baby P outside to play on the playground behind our house. As soon as I said, "outside" she bolted for the door and squealed.  I let her run free once we got around the corner and a girl from church who I'd only talked to a few times was outside as well watching her little boy shoot everything in site with Nurf darts.  Including my daughter...well he didn't actually shoot her, he pretended too. And she laughed every time he did it. She is the only person alive that would laugh at getting shot at.

I sat a good 20 feet away from her just watching Baby P run around loving getting "shot" and running around with the big girls, like she was one of them. She started talking to me slowly and within 5 minutes we were sitting right next to each other chatting like old friends.  She's just like me. Except taller, and skinner, with short black hair, and two kids, and is training for a marathon. Okay..maybe not just like me.  But our experiences as mothers are very similar.  Our struggles and triumphs. Some of our hobbies. Like running, although my running seems like nothing compared to her athletic ability to be super running marathon woman.

As we continued to share things about our lives and some of our similar experiences she looked at me, grabbed my shoulder and smiled so sweetly.  I was about to BUST into tears and instead I yelled out like a black chick, "We are SOOOUULLL SISTASSSS!" She laughed.

In that moment I felt so much hope. So much peace. I knew a watchful and never failing Father was taking care of me.

Not 30, minutes later husband received a phone call.  Our Bishop wanted us to come in and get to know us a little better. Honestly, I love knowing that I'm going in to the Bishop's office to receive a calling, and to tell him about my life because I'm quite proud of the life I have and am a little bit of a show off.  

Note: In our church each ward or congregation has a Bishop that presides over everybody, he is not paid.  Also the members of each ward participate in teaching other members. Instead of the Bishop talking each Sunday at the pulpit members of the congregation have the opportunity to bear testimony and help others learn more about the gospel. Every member is also given the choice to receive a calling within the ward wherever the Lord feels they should go.

So, we went in and chatted for about an hour.  Told him of our previous callings, about our families, about our marriage, our struggles and weaknesses. I felt nothing but absolute love and concern coming from this man.  He has such a kind spirit.

I felt totally uplifted at the end of the day and realized how much Heavenly Father cares for each of His children.  I read a quote today by a marvelous woman, " As you create a home, don't get distracted with a lot of things that have no meaning for you or your family.  Don't dwell on your failures, but think about your successes.  Have joy in your home. Have joy in your children. Have Joy in your husband. Be grateful for the journey."

As I read that I realize that my "Confessions" outweigh my Victories and that doesn't seem right. I know each of us will be better for focusing on the good, as hard as it may be at times to remember the things which we know are right and true, especially the worth we have as Mother's and wives, but holding onto that and living it is a much better way to live. I will be better.  Will you?

Yours truly, 

the unbalanced woman (but trying to be more positive about it)

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Confession #16- Long Time

Confession #16

I haven't wanted to write the past four months.

The Insanely Unbalanced:

Oh, where do I begin? 

A lot has happened. 

Sweet husband graduated college. Has a full-time job WITH benefits mind you and the dentist is calling my name so badly....

We moved down to Utah. We live 6 minutes away from Will's work. 3 minutes away from our church building. 5 minutes away from 2 grocery stores. 30+ minutes from the nearest Krispy Kreme. 4 hours away from dear friends we left in Rexburg who are trying to survive there without us...which I'm sure is NO easy task.

I've been an emotional hurricane. I was starting to get off my medication in March and I was a week away from being completely off of it, when the stress and anxiety of life decide to try and kill me. Graduation, moving, saying goodbye to great friends, ovarian cysts rupturing daily and Baby P had double ear infections. ( Who, by the way is NO baby anymore...more on that later.) I couldn't handle it all and I began falling. Silently, mind you.

After the move, and getting "settled" I became overcome with feelings of inadequacy, stress, fear, frustration and complete sadness.  Why? Honestly, change sucks. Even when it's the right change and it's good, doesn't make it any easier to deal with. There have been TWO main issues. I love our friends.  I know a lot of people are bias and think that there friends are the greatest, kindest, most loving friends in the world. But we REALLY HAVE the greatest friends ever created. When living in Rexburg, our place is where everyone came. On weekends, our tiny apartment was the place to be. Our lives were each other. Since moving I have NO friends. And when I say NO friends, I mean it.  We live on this huge hill on the side of a mountain and we live in a neighborhood of townhomes, playgrounds, and not enough space.  There is a lot of family close, mostly cousins, who I love being with, but like everyone else they have busy lives and kids. 

Having next to nothing for socialization has been a big fat struggle. I cry almost everyday. I run every night like I'm running from some kind of creeper, I clean our house constantly..just to keep my mind off everything. But the truth is, that is not enough to fill my day. Being alone all day, messes with my head. And I start to doubt the things I've known my whole, the choices I've made, the kind of person I've chosen to be, the things I'm doing in my life. I have to constantly tell myself what I know is right and true. I have to remember that I wanted this life and that is a wonderful life. Full of love, and truth and blessings. Lots of blessings.

Finding the Balance:

This whole process of change has been hard for me.   But I've learned a few lessons that I'm trying to apply to my life and live daily.

First I realized that I have been completely selfish.  I kept telling dear husband that I needed a break. I needed something just for me. Something that no one else was apart of. Something that I could call mine. And someone who I don't even know taught me a lesson without even knowing it.  She said, "I think as mother's and wives we often feel like we deserve a break from those duties we perform everyday. That we need to accomplish something that will makes us feel accomplished and important. But really, that's not what we need at all. We need to have Charity. Seeking out those in need and serving them to the best of our ability. When we show that love for someone else, in turn we will feel that for ourselves. And we will be full."

Now, I'm not suggesting that we never get a break...ever. Because we do every once in a while.  But the work we do as mother's and wives is important. Muy importante! We are raising and nurturing those sweet children that Heavenly Father has trusted to give to us. I think that when we see and feel that importance of the work we're doing, it will become so much more enjoyable on a daily basis. We'll start seeing those small moments in our families of success.  Instead of focusing on what me, myself and I want....I'll be better prepared and equipped to serve someone else in there time of need and in return Heavenly Father will bless me with those things I'm in need of.

Another good outcome of all this change is that husband and I have drawn closer together.  We're not constantly hosting people at our home.  We're not going and playing wallyball or raquetball every night.. we're spending time together as a family. As a couple. Which has been much needed for some time now.  Lately I've felt I've just been living with a roommates that gets on my nerves..but since our move we've learned some tough lessons, that have brought us to low places.  Places where we needed to go, to know what is really important and where our priorities need to lie. Not only do I feel like I'm living with my eternal sweetheart but I'm living with my best friend. When I learn these lesson's and see and feel the difference in our lives, I know that this was right. This, change.  As hard as it may be some days I try and hold onto that.

Yours truly,

the unbalanced woman.

Friday, February 4, 2011

Confession # 15


Today I was too tired to be a mom.

The Unbalance:

I just wanted to stay in bed all day, and sleep the day away. This whole teething thing is a nightmare!  When Baby P woke up at "oh dark-thirty" this morning, I routinely walked to the kitchen poured some milk into a bottle, stuck it in the microwave for 30 seconds as I rested my head on the microwave door...once it beeped I put the lid on, walked into Phoenix's room, picked her up, brought her into our room, laid her down on the bed as she ate her bottle I dozed off again, she threw the bottle when she was finished and since it was so early I prayed she would go back to sleep...she didn't.  So I rocked her until she fell asleep again. I climbed back into bed..I'm pretty sure I was asleep before my head even hit the pillow and I got another two hours of sleep. 

Husband had his routine conference call for work at 9am, so I had to wake up and take care of Baby P.  This didn't excite me at all.  As soon as her feet hit the floor she was on a mission to destroy the perfectly organized living room I cleaned up the night before. I got a call from my brother asking if I could give him I ride, so I did. Then came home, and showered..luckily.  Then I had to go back and pick him up and bring him back to his apartment.  When I got home the hubs had put her down for a nap.  I decided to lay down and get some more sleep. And OF COURSE she decides her nap is over once I get relaxed and settled into a nice sleeping position on the couch.  

As she played around in the living room I attempted to continue my nap...yeah, that didn't happen. If I'm not on the floor actively engaged in whatever activity she is involved in..she won't leave me alone. But I really wanted to be left alone today.  My head was pounding, I was exhausted and I was moody.  I didn't want to be a mom today. I felt too tuckered out to continue.  I dreamed of her being that little girl "Matilda" who could take care of herself by the time she was three. Cook, clean, read, write, go the bathroom....oh the life...OH THE SLEEP I WOULD GET!  Of course, I don't want to neglect her or stop being her mom.  I just want one day to sleep..just one. Of UN-interrupted, deep and comfortable sleep.

Finding the Balance:

Alright ladies..the answer is simple. Do you know what it is?? I know you do...GO TO BED EARLIER!  At least, that is what will solve my sleepless-exhausted out of my mind dilemma.  She goes to bed at a reasonable hour. So when she konks out, so should I!  You know what my biggest problem is?...I have a hard time just going to bed. I think of all the other things I could do while she is asleep. Like, showering and cleaning, and getting laundry down and making dinner. I shouldn't do that. I should just sleep.

But the fact is: I can shower later. I can clean later..there really isn't a point when they are just going to make another mess anyway. I can do laundry later, I can cook dinner a little later.  My sanity (which very much involves me getting plenty of sleep) is much more important to me then all of those other things. Being ABLE to take care of my baby is much more important then all those other things. 

I bet there are days when are husbands come home and think, "Gosh, this house is a mess. I'm starving and there is no food. I'm out of clean underwear, I wish she could of done the laundry."  But our good husbands usually don't express those things, because they realize that we are mothers.  The fact that our children are healthy, happy, well fed and perfectly loved is all that they see and care about.  Those things that are constantly on our minds to improve upon and that we worry that we're horrible at, honestly can wait another few hours, or even another day.  

There are times where we can do nothing about how often our kids wake up at night.  MOMMA'S those days won't last forever.  In the meantime take every opportunity you can to get rest and STOP worrying about everything give yourself a break.  It is well deserved and don't ever think it's not.  Our callings as Mother's are noble and sacred and that means they're gonna be do yourself a favor and your babies to be a better mother. 


And I'm going to take my own advice and go to bed since everyone else is asleep and it's almost one in the morning.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Victory Confession:

Victory Confession:

I survived the FIRST year of motherhood!

My sweet angel turned ONE yesterday and I am just blown away at home fast time has flown! I'm even more blown away that I survived this first year alive and completely intact. I've had such wonderful experiences this past year that have taught me so much about how to be a better mother.  The greatest source of where my betterment has come from I owe to a loving Heavenly Father who has guided me in this world of parenting and given me to tools to do so. 

I also owe my gratitude to my fellow mothers who have given there support and advice during this new journey.  As I've opened up about my struggles and triumphs as a new mother I've been overwhelmed at the amount of support I've received from you.  We are all in this together.  Whether your a mother or not..or even about to be.  We've all experienced feelings of inadequacy sometime in our life. You all know that I've experienced those things and I feel that it is NOTHING to be ashamed of!  I am doing so much better, but I still have my down days every once in awhile.  

We all need to remember that motherhood is such a beautiful thing.  Our bodies were created so we could bring new life into this world and what a precious gift that is!  I hope you can all find comfort in that fact.  You were made to do this.  Whether you one...three...or a whole bundle of kids you have the ability to be great mother and you are.

Happy Mothering!

Friday, January 7, 2011

Confession # 14


Change is hard. Change is inevitable. 

The Unbalance:

We are creatures of habit. When that habit faces change, whether it be because of our circumstances, because it's wrong or because it's not good for us...that's hard.  We all have them. And some are harder to overcome then others.

For some....

It's hard to forgive.
It's hard to be social.
It's hard to not spend money even when you don't have any.
It's hard to have faith.
It's hard to cope with burdens alone.
It's hard being part of a new family.
It's hard being part of your own family.
It's hard to not be judgemental.
It's hard to choose the right, when doing something wrong seems so much easier.
It's hard to be happy, when being angry feels better for some reason. 
It's hard overcoming weaknesses.

Life is just hard sometimes.

With my continued struggle with PPD I have days where I don't see the point in being better or even trying to be better. It's not until, miraculously, something or someone helps me to see the light and understand how I can change, and that I want to change.  

How do we do that?.... How do we get a desire to change?....How? 

Do we just wait around being idle expecting that Harry Potter's going to come and swish his wand around and fix it? (that would nice...and kinda cool)

That's not how it works though. What does faith mean to you?  Believing in something you can't see? Having a hope that something will happen, even though you're just sitting there?

Finding the balance: 

Faith is Action. Doing something to find the truth. Doing something to help you change.

For those who believe in God and know He's real and exists and loves you. How do you know that? You seek after Him. You read his words. You pray to Him.

When taking a test at school do you just have faith that you'll automatically know everything and pass? You have to study and know the material you have to educate yourself.

When becoming a new mother do you know everything there is to know about being a mom? You ask questions, you read books, you talk to your doctor, have get experience through other people's children.

That's what faith is. Doing something. Taking steps on your own to find a way to the truth.

I know that by taking an anti-depressant isn't going to take away my PPD.  If I expect that the medication will just take it away, I would be in for a big shocker  when I got off my medicine. I would relapse.  So what have I done to ensure that I will be better when I do get off my meds?  I have found outlets to release my frustrations and my sadness.

I exercise daily. I write so I can let it all out.  I go to my Father in Heaven in prayer when I am in my deepest despair.  I make a conscious effort daily to choose to be better and to keep looking for ways to improve myself as a mother and a wife.

The Atonement of Jesus Christ is a remarkable thing.  The Atonement is where Jesus willing died upon a cross for you and for me.  He died for our weaknesses and shortcomings.  He died for our pain and infirmities.  He died for our moments of despair and disappointments.  He died for the wrong we have done and wrong things we will do later.  Because He died for us, for all those things..He knows what it's like when we go through them and He can and will help us.

And do you know the best part? It's an Infinite Atonement. That means it works anytime, anywhere with anyone.

Change is hard. Change is inevitable.

But we do have control over how we change, when we change and what we do with that change.

Yours truly,
           the unbalanced woman.