Thursday, August 23, 2012

Confession #21 : Life is a roller coaster

Confession #21: Life is a roller coaster and I don't like the roll.....

I've been MIA for months now. I don't have a reason, because well... I just don't.  My baby boy is 5 months and 15 pounds and my Little Lady is 2.5 years old and 24 pounds.

We recently moved into a brand new house, which is our first home. We bought a dog and then sold a dog. We've had concussions, stitched up fingers, severely constipated babies, fat lips, potty training accidents, fire evacuations, grand parents visiting, aunts and uncles visiting, great grand parent funeral, weight gain, weight loss, expensive dental appointments, fights, melt downs, throw up... we've had it all the last 4 months.

I did rather well the first 3 months and then something changed hormone-wise and I went a little crazy. I was crying all the time, depressed, irritated.  I up-ed my dosage on my anti-depressant and things started to get better.  And yet I still struggle.  Close to the end of Phase 1 of my PPD I remember thinking how, "I'd made it!" and it a sense I did. But you don't fully know what the future holds until you are experiencing it. 

I'd say Phase 2 has been hard, just in a different way.  Last time my frustration was directed toward my hubby. This time its towards Little Lady P. I know she is only 2.5 and she is an innocent little child. But another part thinks she understands what I say, so she should know better. That's what makes it so hard. 

I've been on pretty regular running schedule.  Haven't seen much of a change in my body, which puts a damper on my mood. But I always feel better when I'm done.  I'm hoping to find even more balance so that I don't plummet randomly and make it harder on my family. This time has been different and I feel like I'm missing something. I'm doing everything I did last time that helped, minus the counseling, maybe I should try that again.  It's nice to get off your chest the things that irritate you to someone who's feelings won't get hurt because of what you're saying.

On a lighter note, I'm very grateful for my moments of clarity.  They always happen at the same time everyday. Now that word right there, everyday, is very rare for a mother when you're talking about something positive. The things that happen everyday are usually things you wish wouldn't happen everyday. Like, tantrums, bad attitudes, repetitive questions, pee-pee accidents on your brand new carpet, waking up too early, refusal to eat get the jist...But as I lay in my bed at night, I have an overwhelming rush of gratitude, peace and satisfaction. That I have healthy children who are hopefully making me into a better mother/wife/woman. A loving husband who provides for us, a beautiful, safe, new home. And the knowledge of something greater then ourselves. A Heavenly Father that loves us perfectly, and a Savior who knows us better than we know ourselves. A blessed life is the best life.  

These simple and perfect moments of clarity, make the rolls of life easier to ride out.

Yours truly,

the unbalanced woman