Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Confession # 17 - It begins again.

Confession # 17-  It begins again.

Well the journey to continue to overcome my trials continues when it comes to motherhood.  As I suspected, this pregnancy, just like the last one has been very taxing on my mind, and my body.  It's been hard, just like I remember.  As I endure these last 8 weeks, unlike my last pregnancy, I've started taking my anti-depressant.  I've been experiencing those overwhelming feelings of sadness, anger and frustration for the past month and dear hubby and I decided it would be best for me to get a jump on things before they get to a point where I feel out of control.  I promised myself during Phase 1 of my PPD that I wouldn't let myself suffer again.  I have to confess that I did hesitate to start, trying to convince myself I could do it on my own again.  But as I read through my early posts at the beginning of my recovery, I remember feeling how dark I felt and how hard it was to get out of that, even with help.

So, I've done lots of research and talked with my doctor on countless occasions about this what the best path is to take.  Yesterday at my 31 week appointment (and after having and emotionally taxing month of depression) I told her I was ready.  She went over the risks with me once more, and wanted to make sure this is what I wanted.  I assured her it was.  

So here I am, starting Phase 2.  I'm feeling afraid , but not despair.  Something I had a hard time shaking during Phase 1.  I'm hoping, praying (daily) even that I can catch this before it gets too bad.

My regular outlet of exercise is, at the moment, unavailable to me because Of how much pain I'm in.  I'm carrying this little guy extremely low, which has added additional pain in my low back and pelvis, making it difficult to even walk.  Can't walk=can't exercise.  I have, however, scheduled an appointment for today to see a physical therapist that specializes in low back and pelvis pain in pregnant women. I'm hoping I can rehabilitate these muscles so that once I deliver this won't be a problem anymore.  

I've been questioned on several occasions if taking an anti-depressant while pregnant is safe and every so often, criticized for putting my unborn baby at risk.   First off, all of these people are either without uterus's, or have never experienced PPD.  And cannot make reasonable assumptions about MY life choices.  I'm not going into this blind. And I'm not going into this uneducated.

You need to weigh the risk and the benefit.  I can run the risk of my baby being born and not breathing as quickly, and having a moment of fear that something is wrong and realize very quickly that everything is fine and have the benefit that I am emotionally able to take care of my family and be a better mom.  As scary as that "moment" will be, I'm willing to take that risk then make myself and my family suffer because I think " I can handle it on my own."  When the fact is, I know that I can't without some help.

Just as heaven knows, I'm sure I'll still struggle.  Transitioning into becoming a mother of two, sleepless nights, breastfeeding, a cranky two-year old and endless amounts of diapers all over the house.  

But remember what I've been saying this past year in a half?? Control what you can control. That's what I'm doing. Taking control of my life to be a better mother.

Your's truly,

 the pregnant,unbalanced, and medicated woman.