I haven't written in awhile, because I haven't felt the need too. Postpartum round 2 hasn't been as nasty as round 1. I think my husband would disagree. But if he was in my head I'd like to think he'd applaud at how much I've grown and then probably want to die because of how crazy it really is inside my head.
This is going to be a blunt portrayal of motherhood. I'm not going to apologize if this offends anyone because I would guarantee every mother reading this has experienced the following at some point or even regularly. I don't judge you, so please don't judge.
I seem to go through a hormonal shift every 3 months. Starting at 3 months postpartum. 3..6...9..12..15 and so on. I go through 7 days of absolute torture, emotionally. I'm either really sad and depressed or I'm really pissed off. I'm just pissed this time.
I wake up and I'm just mad. I'm mad that it's 6 freakin A.M. in the morning. I'm mad that I didn't fall asleep until 1:00 A.M. I'm mad that my daughter's voice seems so loud in the morning. I'm mad that I have to let the dog out, and then feed her, play with her and then let her out again. I'm mad that my husband doesn't get up as fast as I do and that by the time he gets to the kitchen I'm already done getting the kids breakfasts and taking care of the dog.
Here is the reality of motherhood:
Hushing your 3 year old every 4.6 seconds because she sounds so loud you're afraid it'll wake your other toddler that you had to rock 3 separate times during the night because he doesn't feel good.
Pouring apple juice in your fruit loops because your eyes aren't even open yet...and then eating it because you don't want to waste anything.
Putting the milk in the pantry instead of the fridge because well, you've gone crazy from exhaustion.
Cleaning up spilled milk from your 3 year old's lap because she wanted to drink the milk out of the bowl like daddy does.
Going through 6 pairs of panties in one day because she got one tiny drop of pee on her underwear and refuses to wear them.
Never folding laundry and just keeping all the clean clothes in the basket because you hate folding and your just going to have to wash them in about 3 days anyway.
Not showering for 2-4 days because you'd rather sleep than be clean.
Forgetting to brush your teeth for 2 days because that's the last thing on your priorities list.
Going to the park EVERY morning or some sassy diva throws a tantrum.
Locking your children in their rooms so you can take a bath and pretend no one is there....on more than one occasion in the same day....
Seriously contemplating selling your children to the first available bidder.
Forgetting to eat all day and when you do eat it's something full of sugar because a salad does nothing for anybody.
Not cooking for several days ( to several weeks) because it just sucks. So everyone has either cereal, PB&J's, chicken nuggets, or pizza every night.
Having to put chain locks on the doors so your 3 year old stops escaping to the outside world ( I don't blame her though....)
The only songs that are stuck in your head are from Dora The Explorer, Blues Clues, and Tangled.
Singing songs over and over and over again to your 3 year old and switching the line on "wheels on the bus" from "the mommy's the bus go SHH SHH SHH to WAA WAA WAA" Because that's how you're really feeling.
Singing every songs super fast just to get it over with "twinkletwinklelittlestarhowIwonderwhatyouareupabovetheworldsohighlikeadiamondintheskytwinkletwinklelittlestarhowiwonderwhatyouare"
Yelling so loudly your eyes almost pop out of your head.
Setting the timeout timer for WAAY longer than 3 minutes because you want some peace and quiet.
Wearing exercise clothes because you really plan on exercising but than don't get too but keep wearing them all day and when people see you they think "oh good for her exercising with two kids, you go girl!" And even though you didn't, you just thinking that their actually thinking that makes you feel skinnier.
When friends ask you what you did today you say, "Oh, we just had a down day at home." Which REALLY means, " I haven't showered, the kids had candy all day and watched movies in the living room so I could lay in my bed and watch Friends."
Going to McDonald's 3 times a week because you just don't care anymore.
Waking up 4 times a night because your 3 year old wants to watch movie and just won't go to sleep.
Cleaning poop from INSIDE your 14 months old eye.
Driving to your husband's work with 20 minutes notice that you don't give a crap about his job today and what he needs to do and that you are picking him up and he is coming home with you to save you from jumping off the cliff of insanity. And when he ask's why say, "Because if you don't you will be the first person I kill with my bare hands."
These are all things I've said and done. I've said this a thousand times: Motherhood is noble and joyful but it is rare to ever feel that , it is a feeling the disappears as fast as it comes. We have to create moments of joy with our children.
My husband asked me this morning after I begged him to stay home, "So when you're feeling like this and you see your friends you're able to put on a happy face and be calm loving, why can't you just do that at home?" The answer is simple. I don't want them seeing me that way and it's easier to be angry at the kids. Not saying it makes it better, because it doesn't. But letting my anger out is easier than trying to be calm and loving when I'm just NOT feeling that way.
When people ask me how is it being a mother, I tell the truth. I say it's what I was meant to do and it's the most wonderful thing I could ever do with my life. I truly believe that, but man, it sucks a lot too. As mad and frustrating and exhausting and awful my life can be as a mother. I wouldn't change it.
the unbalanced, angry, mother of 2.