Confession:
I cry when I don't mean to cry.
The Unbalance:
You know what I'm talking about. When your talking about something that really isn't emotional for you and then all of a sudden you start crying and you can't stop. Yeah, that happened today. And it just so happened it was in front of someone I really didn't want to see me cry, which normally results in spilling your guts about why your crying. As I proceeded to give a watered down version of what I'd been going through the past several months I started to cry. I didn't want to cry. In that moment I didn't feel emotional. But for some reason my body back fired on me and I started to cry. When I said I was on an anti-depressant, I was instantly reprimanded for the choice I made. I said that this was my last option, because I'd been suffering, alone, for so long and I didn't want to be the person I'd been. For the next 5 minutes I was lectured. I felt like I was 15 and my dad was telling me how I did something wrong..yaada yaada yaada. During this whole time I was crying, not really listening, trying to make myself stop crying.
Well, needless to say, I left fast. Got into my car and headed to the bank where I proceeded to blubber through the intercom to the bank teller, she was sweet and asked me if I was okay, I'm not sure if she understood me as I was sobbing and trying to say, "I'm just so emotional!" Completely embarrassing. I drove up to the temple to just sit and cry. As I was having a pity party for myself, my sweet Baby P starting babbling and laughing at herself. And then I had quite an uplifting moment:
I had a vision of my life in the future as a mother and saw two more of my sweet little babies. As I saw myself with my children I could sense I would still struggle probably forever. But then I felt the most amazing happiness..JOY even! I felt that Heavenly Father was still aware of me. In my spiritual DNA He built me to be a mother...no where within the strands of hormonal unbalance, stress, anxiety, plain ol' being overwhelmed,, and everything in between in that DNA did he put failure. He wants me to succeed. He's there to help me to succeed.
Finding the Balance:
Well, can you guess what I did? no?....
1. I focused on the good.
I started vocally saying my blessings. Healthy baby, supportive husband, loving family, nice home..
I know by taking an anti-depressant that I'm doing nothing wrong. I did my homework about it and talked in depth with my Doc. It was the right decision for me. During my encounter today I was told the only thing that an anti-depressants do is mask the problem and that it won't take it away. Well, I realize this. I know very well that my problems aren't going to go away by just taking a pill everyday. I started this blog. I started exercising on a daily basis and I'm seeking counseling. I understand that if I'm not willing to help change the things I can control that I won't progress.
2. I LET IT GO.
Oh, you read that correctly. I let it go!
As much as it P.O'd me that I was told all these things and it frustrated. It didn't change the fact that I made the right decision for myself. So, I waved it good-bye.
3. I took a run.
Went on another 4 mile run with BFF Ames, which resulted in very uplifting and enlightening conversation. Thanks girl. :)
So although the middle of my day was a complete pain in the rear. I was able to overcome it. So this could be considered Victory Confession # 2? I think so.
I've decided when I'm judged for the choices I'VE made in MY life..those people really don't matter to me...and I move on with the same confidence I've always had.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Victory Confession #1
Victory Confession:
Exercise is where I found control.
How I found the balance:
Forgive my lack of writing this whole week. To be honest, I didn't have anything to write about. It was the first week in almost 18 months (9 months being pregnant and these past 9 months after Baby P was born) that I felt like my old self and I was basking in that wonderful feeling. You wanna know what my secret is?.....I starting running. RUNNING!
I've hated running my whole life. I joined track in the 7th grade, mostly because everybody else was joining and after the first day of practice I wanted to quit. I started coming up with a plan to fake an injury so I could get out of doing it, without actually quitting because, let's face it I'm kind of a quitter, but didn't want anybody to know that. Well after a few more days of excruciating pain I told myself I was gonna fake twisting my ankle or my knee or something. Well, turns out, me being voted "Most Clumsy" my Senior year was right on track. During our stretches and pre-running exercises I tripped on my shoelace and my knee locked. It was stuck for awhile and I had to go get an MRI, turns out, my cartilage was torn and I had to get surgery. I was ecstatic. Seriously, I was. I was able to "be excused" from track and I got lots of attention because I had to be on crutches for awhile.
In High School I joined soccer. Worst.Idea.Ever. That's right up there with Track and Cross Country in the running department. What was I thinking? Well, I wasn't. I joined mostly because the coach said, he didn't care if we were bad and that he'd teach us and it'd be lots of fun and my best friend was joining and I thought if she was there it wouldn't be too bad. Well, ends up that my BFF was really good and usually played Varsity while I sat on JV and got yelled at by the coach because I sucked and wasn't fast enough. I got into pretty good shape, but it never failed that everyday as I watched the clock reach 3:24pm I would dread getting my soccer gear on and going to practice. I eventually quit half way through my Senior Year because I plain ole' didn't like it.
My first semester of college I was going to take a fitness class and at the last second dropped it because I found out we had to run mile under a certain amount of time at the end of the semester, and I stressed so much about it I made myself sick and thought it would be best to quit (once again..surprise, surprise) Which resulting in me gaining 20 pounds and not fitting into any of my pants.
So you see, I've always hated running. And I'm still not a huge fan of it. But I bought a jogger three weeks ago and that kind of made the husband upset because Winter is almost here and I won't be able to use it until next Spring, he thought it was a waste of money. So, to get back into his good graces I told him I would use it as much as possible now and I would start running a few times a week. And I did. I asked a friend to go along with me that also wanted to start running so every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we go to the park and run for at least 30 minutes.
My dad let me in on a little secret to help you to start running without killing yourself. Run for 1 minute, walk for 2 minutes. Do that for a week. Then run a 1 1/2 minutes and walk 1 1/2 minutes. So, as the weeks progress increase your running time and decrease your walking time. I love this because, I can go for quite a while without wanting to die, because I get a little bit of a break. But I'm still keeping my heart-rate up and getting into shape. I started this technique just this last week and my friend and I have been clocking 4 miles with every run. I am quite PROUD of myself! And I have felt amazing. I haven't been moody, or irritated. I haven't snapped at the husband and I've been joyful and grateful every second for the life I have.
Honest to goodness I thought I would be thee LAST person to run this regularly or to even promote running as a way to cope with the roller coaster of emotions us ladies go through. And when I'm running I don't absolutely love it. But with each step that hits the ground I feel better and better. And I know that I'm improving my life in more then just one way.
A little bit of boasting time: I've been in a size 9/10 jean every since I can remember and I now fit comfortably in a size 6. I am also 16 pounds UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight.
Now, today is the Sabbath and we try our very best to keep it Holy. We don't go shopping, or buy things, or go out to eat or get too rowdy with our friends because it's the Lord's day. And today I didn't exercise and today has been a bad day emotionally. My mother helped me to come to the conclusion that maybe some light exercise wouldn't be so disrespectful on Sunday because it really helps me to release the stress, anxiety, and negative emotions that bottle up inside me. So I have concluded that Sunday morning I will do pilates. If this is something that improves my mood, which in turn keeps the Spirit in our home (which affects my family, and those closest to me) I think it's only a good thing.
Out of this whole mess of depression and mood swings and lashing out at my poor husband, which I feel completely out of control, I have found some control with exercising, and I'm going to take whatever I can get.
Exercise is where I found control.
How I found the balance:
Forgive my lack of writing this whole week. To be honest, I didn't have anything to write about. It was the first week in almost 18 months (9 months being pregnant and these past 9 months after Baby P was born) that I felt like my old self and I was basking in that wonderful feeling. You wanna know what my secret is?.....I starting running. RUNNING!
I've hated running my whole life. I joined track in the 7th grade, mostly because everybody else was joining and after the first day of practice I wanted to quit. I started coming up with a plan to fake an injury so I could get out of doing it, without actually quitting because, let's face it I'm kind of a quitter, but didn't want anybody to know that. Well after a few more days of excruciating pain I told myself I was gonna fake twisting my ankle or my knee or something. Well, turns out, me being voted "Most Clumsy" my Senior year was right on track. During our stretches and pre-running exercises I tripped on my shoelace and my knee locked. It was stuck for awhile and I had to go get an MRI, turns out, my cartilage was torn and I had to get surgery. I was ecstatic. Seriously, I was. I was able to "be excused" from track and I got lots of attention because I had to be on crutches for awhile.
In High School I joined soccer. Worst.Idea.Ever. That's right up there with Track and Cross Country in the running department. What was I thinking? Well, I wasn't. I joined mostly because the coach said, he didn't care if we were bad and that he'd teach us and it'd be lots of fun and my best friend was joining and I thought if she was there it wouldn't be too bad. Well, ends up that my BFF was really good and usually played Varsity while I sat on JV and got yelled at by the coach because I sucked and wasn't fast enough. I got into pretty good shape, but it never failed that everyday as I watched the clock reach 3:24pm I would dread getting my soccer gear on and going to practice. I eventually quit half way through my Senior Year because I plain ole' didn't like it.
My first semester of college I was going to take a fitness class and at the last second dropped it because I found out we had to run mile under a certain amount of time at the end of the semester, and I stressed so much about it I made myself sick and thought it would be best to quit (once again..surprise, surprise) Which resulting in me gaining 20 pounds and not fitting into any of my pants.
So you see, I've always hated running. And I'm still not a huge fan of it. But I bought a jogger three weeks ago and that kind of made the husband upset because Winter is almost here and I won't be able to use it until next Spring, he thought it was a waste of money. So, to get back into his good graces I told him I would use it as much as possible now and I would start running a few times a week. And I did. I asked a friend to go along with me that also wanted to start running so every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we go to the park and run for at least 30 minutes.
My dad let me in on a little secret to help you to start running without killing yourself. Run for 1 minute, walk for 2 minutes. Do that for a week. Then run a 1 1/2 minutes and walk 1 1/2 minutes. So, as the weeks progress increase your running time and decrease your walking time. I love this because, I can go for quite a while without wanting to die, because I get a little bit of a break. But I'm still keeping my heart-rate up and getting into shape. I started this technique just this last week and my friend and I have been clocking 4 miles with every run. I am quite PROUD of myself! And I have felt amazing. I haven't been moody, or irritated. I haven't snapped at the husband and I've been joyful and grateful every second for the life I have.
Honest to goodness I thought I would be thee LAST person to run this regularly or to even promote running as a way to cope with the roller coaster of emotions us ladies go through. And when I'm running I don't absolutely love it. But with each step that hits the ground I feel better and better. And I know that I'm improving my life in more then just one way.
A little bit of boasting time: I've been in a size 9/10 jean every since I can remember and I now fit comfortably in a size 6. I am also 16 pounds UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight.
Now, today is the Sabbath and we try our very best to keep it Holy. We don't go shopping, or buy things, or go out to eat or get too rowdy with our friends because it's the Lord's day. And today I didn't exercise and today has been a bad day emotionally. My mother helped me to come to the conclusion that maybe some light exercise wouldn't be so disrespectful on Sunday because it really helps me to release the stress, anxiety, and negative emotions that bottle up inside me. So I have concluded that Sunday morning I will do pilates. If this is something that improves my mood, which in turn keeps the Spirit in our home (which affects my family, and those closest to me) I think it's only a good thing.
Out of this whole mess of depression and mood swings and lashing out at my poor husband, which I feel completely out of control, I have found some control with exercising, and I'm going to take whatever I can get.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Confession # 8
Confession:
I had my first anxiety attack this weekend.
The Unbalance:
I experience a lot of anxiety but not the extent of having an actual anxiety attack. But on Friday night the switch got flipped and I lost it. I feel really embarrassed about what I freaked out about.
Last Tuesday we bought a new car. A white, Ford Explorer. We finally have two cars and the Explorer is really mine to use. It's a 2003 so its not brand new, but it's brand new to us. The husband wanted to have a guys day on Saturday and take the Explorer and go explore some caves that are around where we live.
The night before he left I freaked out about him taking my brand new car. I was worried about it getting dirty, him driving crazy, it getting stuck, and something horrible happening to it.
He kept telling me there was NO way our Honda would make it and needed to take my car to get there. I started getting upset and crying. Then I started hyperventilating and shaking. Husband was really confused and was just staring at me. We were lying in bed at 12 o'clock at night, and I got out of bed and just started pacing arond the living room, just fahh-reaking out.
I broke down even more when I realized how ridiculous this all was. But I couldn't shake the anxiety of my car being taken. I kept telling myself over and over that this was stupid. It's not a big deal, why are you acting like a complete psycho??
NO matter what I did, it didn't go away. I just kept balling and breathing too fast and shaking. I eventually cried myself to sleep and woke up in the morning with a splitting headache. I looked in the mirror and my face looked like a huge ball of puffiness. And my eyes were blood shot.
I knew I was back to a rational mindset and was totally fine with the husband taking my car.
Finding the Balance:
I'm going to be honest and say, I have no idea how to help fix this. I was in the craziest mind set and I honestly felt insane. I hated that I was like that.
I've been on my medication a month now and called my Doc to let her know how I was doing. I told her I could tell it was working in some areas, but I was still having a few bad days. She raised the dosage to, two pills a day instead of one. Once again it'll take a few weeks for me to feel a difference.
When I'm not in those moods, I think "When, I'm in that kind of mood I'm going to choose to just not be that way, I'm not going to lets things bother me." But when I get like that, I feel like I have no control over the way I'm feeling or thinking. Rational thinking just flies out the window. I'm able to think, "this isn't a big deal, let it go." But I can't. I just don't know what to do..to make it stop in that moment.
I suppose this is the biggest challenge I face that I can't find the balance with. I guess striving to do those things in my daily that I feel like I can control and choose to be different...to be better. One day at a time.
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Non-Confession
I'm feeling the need to restate my purpose about why I have this blog.
I'm not here to tell people how to live. I'm also not here to be a "know-it-all"
I realize that I don't know everything. I am learning just as much as the next person.
I am trying to learn from my weaknesses and improve as a person.
As I vent about my unbalanced life, it helps me to overcome the thoughts, and feelings I have resulting from my Postpartum depression. I'm here to help myself move forward and be the best person I can be.
I'm also having a little ...what's the word?...frustration when I'm around people that are reading my blog and they treat me like I'm broken. I feel like they look at me like, "Poor, sad Kara. Her life is so hard."
Guys, I'm doing okay! I don't have a problem talking about my problems with people. No one needs to talk to me like I'm fragile.
This blog is a good place for me to see what I need to change and remember the things I've learned to progress to higher ground. :)
I'm not here to tell people how to live. I'm also not here to be a "know-it-all"
I realize that I don't know everything. I am learning just as much as the next person.
I am trying to learn from my weaknesses and improve as a person.
As I vent about my unbalanced life, it helps me to overcome the thoughts, and feelings I have resulting from my Postpartum depression. I'm here to help myself move forward and be the best person I can be.
I'm also having a little ...what's the word?...frustration when I'm around people that are reading my blog and they treat me like I'm broken. I feel like they look at me like, "Poor, sad Kara. Her life is so hard."
Guys, I'm doing okay! I don't have a problem talking about my problems with people. No one needs to talk to me like I'm fragile.
This blog is a good place for me to see what I need to change and remember the things I've learned to progress to higher ground. :)
Friday, October 15, 2010
Confession # 7
Confession:
I feel like I should be "Holly Homemaker"
The Unbalance:
Because I'm a stay at home mom and don't have a pressing schedule to stick too, I obviously have time to do my household duties everyday. But there are days when I want to be lazy, not shower, stay in my PJ's, snack on sugary goodness and watch mushy gushy movies all day or Harry Potter.
I should probably be honest with you (and myself). The days I want to do those things aren't every once in awhile...they're....okay, they're everyday. And I usually do that everyday. I said it. There. I'm a lazy bum. I always think, "Well, tomorrow is an open day, I'll just do everything tomorrow." But then the next day I think the same thing and keep avoiding doing the dishes, vacuuming the house, sweeping the kitchen, folding laundry, exercising. etc..
When people ask me how my day was and what I did. I totally try and make it sound like I've been super busy taking care of my baby. Yeah, it's hard being a mom and taking care a little one. But honestly, I have the easiest baby alive. She usually plays by herself and just wanders around the apartment and explores. So, really my day isn't busy.
As of late, I've felt a little overwhelmed with pressure of being some kind of "super mom and wife". I feel like a lot is expected of me. Getting up early. Always having every meal prepared. Looking my best. Being involved in a million in a half extra-curricular activities. Having the house pefect. Doing all of the chores.
It's not like I don't want to do those things, I'll get to a point where I can't stand how many dirty dishes are in the sink, or how dirty the floor is, in the kitchen and I'll get things done. I sometimes feel like I need to be "on the ball" constantly.
Finding the Balance:
I have found that lists are miraculous things.
First, with my PPD if I have a completely unorganized, chaotic day I go a little nuts and start to stress and get overwhelmed. If I make a list of things I need to do during the day, I have a visual reminder of what needs to be done and then I can cross them off. And at the end of the day whether or not I got it all done, those things I did get done, it's nice to see them crossed off and I feel accomplished.
Second, if I want a "nothing" day, and just relax. I still make a list of all the relaxing things I want to do. For example, *Take a bubble bath. *dress in my super warm and comfy sweatpants.*Watch Pride and Prejudice, and She's the Man." I guess it's my way of telling myself it's okay to have a down day.
And ya know? If I'm not a perfect homemaker, what's the big deal? I'm really trying to be a good mom, I'm trying even harder to be a good wife and I'm taking control of the things in my life that need fixing. AKA: my PPD. I have found when I'm doing all I can for my Heavenly Father, my daughter, and my husband, the rest falls into place and my desires change. I desire to have a clean home that I can take pride in, I desire to have meals prepared so my husband and I can have a nice, healthy meal. I desire to get things done and I enjoy it.
So, let's forget about "Holly Homemaker" and be who you want to be, be your best self.
I feel like I should be "Holly Homemaker"
The Unbalance:
Because I'm a stay at home mom and don't have a pressing schedule to stick too, I obviously have time to do my household duties everyday. But there are days when I want to be lazy, not shower, stay in my PJ's, snack on sugary goodness and watch mushy gushy movies all day or Harry Potter.
I should probably be honest with you (and myself). The days I want to do those things aren't every once in awhile...they're....okay, they're everyday. And I usually do that everyday. I said it. There. I'm a lazy bum. I always think, "Well, tomorrow is an open day, I'll just do everything tomorrow." But then the next day I think the same thing and keep avoiding doing the dishes, vacuuming the house, sweeping the kitchen, folding laundry, exercising. etc..
When people ask me how my day was and what I did. I totally try and make it sound like I've been super busy taking care of my baby. Yeah, it's hard being a mom and taking care a little one. But honestly, I have the easiest baby alive. She usually plays by herself and just wanders around the apartment and explores. So, really my day isn't busy.
As of late, I've felt a little overwhelmed with pressure of being some kind of "super mom and wife". I feel like a lot is expected of me. Getting up early. Always having every meal prepared. Looking my best. Being involved in a million in a half extra-curricular activities. Having the house pefect. Doing all of the chores.
It's not like I don't want to do those things, I'll get to a point where I can't stand how many dirty dishes are in the sink, or how dirty the floor is, in the kitchen and I'll get things done. I sometimes feel like I need to be "on the ball" constantly.
Finding the Balance:
I have found that lists are miraculous things.
First, with my PPD if I have a completely unorganized, chaotic day I go a little nuts and start to stress and get overwhelmed. If I make a list of things I need to do during the day, I have a visual reminder of what needs to be done and then I can cross them off. And at the end of the day whether or not I got it all done, those things I did get done, it's nice to see them crossed off and I feel accomplished.
Second, if I want a "nothing" day, and just relax. I still make a list of all the relaxing things I want to do. For example, *Take a bubble bath. *dress in my super warm and comfy sweatpants.*Watch Pride and Prejudice, and She's the Man." I guess it's my way of telling myself it's okay to have a down day.
And ya know? If I'm not a perfect homemaker, what's the big deal? I'm really trying to be a good mom, I'm trying even harder to be a good wife and I'm taking control of the things in my life that need fixing. AKA: my PPD. I have found when I'm doing all I can for my Heavenly Father, my daughter, and my husband, the rest falls into place and my desires change. I desire to have a clean home that I can take pride in, I desire to have meals prepared so my husband and I can have a nice, healthy meal. I desire to get things done and I enjoy it.
So, let's forget about "Holly Homemaker" and be who you want to be, be your best self.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Confession # 6
Confession:
I still feel like I'm 16.
The Unbalance:
I guess there is no "unbalance" about feeling 16. I suppose it should say I still act like I'm 16 sometimes. Does anybody else feel like this? One day you look in the mirror and you go, "How did my life get to this point? It seems like yesterday I was crying over a stupid boy, dreading a soccer game (and for good reason I got a black eye every single Thursday. not joking.) not finishing my homework on time, and getting in some kind of tissy-fit with my mom over not making my bed or not finishing my chores. Where has the time gone?
I'm 21, married and a mother.
Since taking my medication, I think things are getting better. I'm still having bad days. Yesterday was horrible. Granted I forgot to take my pill. (which ended up making the day horrible). I got upset at the husband again. But in Confession #1 I said I was struggling with thoughts of not wanting the life I had, not wanting a marriage with my husband (but I know those aren't my true desires). But I haven't had any of those thoughts, even when I'm upset. So I'm thinking the medication is working.
When I'm out and about running errands and when people look at me, I feel like there looking at a teenager. Because that's how I feel the majority of the time. When we get together with our friends we get really loud and crazy. When our house finally empties and we go to bed I lay there and think, "I shouldn't be that crazy. I'm an adult and a mother. I shouldn't have so much fun." I guess because of the stage of life I'm in right now, I feel like I need to act a certain way all the time.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have the life I do.
Finding the Balance:
When I have that thought, I am instantly reminded how blessed I am for life I do have. I was married at 19 and became a mother 2 weeks before I turned 21. But I have a husband who loves, supports and adores me. I have a healthy, beautiful, daughter who has made my life feel so worthwhile. I have the knowledge that God has a plan for me. And I have NO doubt that the choices I have made in my life, which have led me here, were the right ones! What more could I ask for in life? I don't think it gets much better then that. I also know that if we stay in tune with what God wants for our family, our joy and blessings will only increase.
As for being completely rowdy and crazy with our friends, why shouldn't I have more fun? I need to let loose every once in awhile. If my daughter is taken care of first I don't think there is any harm in letting go. I am a good mother. I deserve some crazy right? I think so!
It's all about priorities and taking care of the most important things first, and also having some fun along the way. Life is meant to be enjoyed. And filled with love and laughter. So, when our friends come over on the weekends late at night, I'm going to welcome the feeling of being 16....for a short time. :)
I still feel like I'm 16.
The Unbalance:
I guess there is no "unbalance" about feeling 16. I suppose it should say I still act like I'm 16 sometimes. Does anybody else feel like this? One day you look in the mirror and you go, "How did my life get to this point? It seems like yesterday I was crying over a stupid boy, dreading a soccer game (and for good reason I got a black eye every single Thursday. not joking.) not finishing my homework on time, and getting in some kind of tissy-fit with my mom over not making my bed or not finishing my chores. Where has the time gone?
I'm 21, married and a mother.
Since taking my medication, I think things are getting better. I'm still having bad days. Yesterday was horrible. Granted I forgot to take my pill. (which ended up making the day horrible). I got upset at the husband again. But in Confession #1 I said I was struggling with thoughts of not wanting the life I had, not wanting a marriage with my husband (but I know those aren't my true desires). But I haven't had any of those thoughts, even when I'm upset. So I'm thinking the medication is working.
When I'm out and about running errands and when people look at me, I feel like there looking at a teenager. Because that's how I feel the majority of the time. When we get together with our friends we get really loud and crazy. When our house finally empties and we go to bed I lay there and think, "I shouldn't be that crazy. I'm an adult and a mother. I shouldn't have so much fun." I guess because of the stage of life I'm in right now, I feel like I need to act a certain way all the time.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have the life I do.
Finding the Balance:
When I have that thought, I am instantly reminded how blessed I am for life I do have. I was married at 19 and became a mother 2 weeks before I turned 21. But I have a husband who loves, supports and adores me. I have a healthy, beautiful, daughter who has made my life feel so worthwhile. I have the knowledge that God has a plan for me. And I have NO doubt that the choices I have made in my life, which have led me here, were the right ones! What more could I ask for in life? I don't think it gets much better then that. I also know that if we stay in tune with what God wants for our family, our joy and blessings will only increase.
As for being completely rowdy and crazy with our friends, why shouldn't I have more fun? I need to let loose every once in awhile. If my daughter is taken care of first I don't think there is any harm in letting go. I am a good mother. I deserve some crazy right? I think so!
It's all about priorities and taking care of the most important things first, and also having some fun along the way. Life is meant to be enjoyed. And filled with love and laughter. So, when our friends come over on the weekends late at night, I'm going to welcome the feeling of being 16....for a short time. :)
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Confession # 5
Confession:
I'm a worry-wart.
The Unbalance:
I think you no the "unbalance" in this immediately. Worrying does absolutely no good. Especially not constantly. Over little things. Silly things. I seem to worry about the little things and not the big things. Is that weird?
Like I worry about getting the garbage out to the curb on time (which we totally spaced today)
I worry about keeping the house clean in case somebody happens to visit during the day.
I worry when I'm driving and I know my exit is coming up and I'm in the wrong lane.
I worry that my baby will stop breathing in the middle of the night (I know this is a pretty lagitimate worry, but I worry about it ALL the time)
I worry about missing phone calls.
I worry about our grass getting mowed and what people think when it doesn't get done.
I remember having a conversation with my mom awhile ago and I was venting all my worries and when I was finished she said, "When did you become such a worrier? You weren't like this growing up."
Well, I can tell you the EXACT day I started worrying and WHY. It was a Saturday. May 16th. Can you guess?......
It was the day I found out I was pregnant.
A million in a half things were running through my mind and it only got worse as my pregnancy progressed. Mixed with hormones, and morning sickness, and heartburn, constipation, hemorrihoids (if you think that was TMI, then you shouldn't be reading this, we share ALL here!) and countless other uncomfortable things.
When she was born. My life froze and I was unequivocally happy. I have never felt so much love for one person.
Then we came home.
Annnnnd the worrying started again! It's like this never ending cycle of making yourself go crazy!
I'm not worried about our future. I'm not worried about money. I'm not worried about making big purchases. I worry about the things that make absolutely no difference how they turn out.
I think having PPD magnifies these things into bigger issues for me. Making them seem like really big deals when they just plain old don't matter. I mean getting stressed about not being in the right lane to make your exit?? Seriously???
Finding the Balance:
There was/is a saying in my house growing up that I absolutely hated. It came from my poppa who thinks about life very logically and rationally. He wouldn't let emotion so much effect the way he made decisions. And it was frustrating for me, as a teenager, to have him tell me what to do with my emotions, especially since I didn't feel like he really understood what was going on in my head. But now, I realize, my dear father was right all along. The saying is:
If you can't do anthing about it, don't worry about it.
So, when I'm going through a major life crisis, or something small and insignificant I ask myself, "Can I do anything about this right now?" And if I can't I let it go. Well, I at least try.
I understand that it is not that simple. Especially when it comes to women, when, as I've said before, we bring emotion into everything and let it run our lives and how we act and treat people etc...
But it's a pretty simple way for me, to not be such a spazz. So, if you're anything like me and are a worry-wart. And all the little things seem to bother you or even the big things. Ask yourself, "Is there anything in my power, that I can do right now to change this or make it better?" If you can fix it, then fix it. If you can't, then you can't. We shouldn't expect ourselves to be perfect and get everything right and do everything all at once. And I truly believe that God doesn't expect that from us either. Christ was perfect and we are suppose to follow His example but does that mean perfection is required of us right this very second? NO WAY!! I think He just wants us to try.
We just have to take one worry at a time and slow down for a second. So....
Breathe with me......ahhhhhhhhh.
I'm a worry-wart.
The Unbalance:
I think you no the "unbalance" in this immediately. Worrying does absolutely no good. Especially not constantly. Over little things. Silly things. I seem to worry about the little things and not the big things. Is that weird?
Like I worry about getting the garbage out to the curb on time (which we totally spaced today)
I worry about keeping the house clean in case somebody happens to visit during the day.
I worry when I'm driving and I know my exit is coming up and I'm in the wrong lane.
I worry that my baby will stop breathing in the middle of the night (I know this is a pretty lagitimate worry, but I worry about it ALL the time)
I worry about missing phone calls.
I worry about our grass getting mowed and what people think when it doesn't get done.
I remember having a conversation with my mom awhile ago and I was venting all my worries and when I was finished she said, "When did you become such a worrier? You weren't like this growing up."
Well, I can tell you the EXACT day I started worrying and WHY. It was a Saturday. May 16th. Can you guess?......
It was the day I found out I was pregnant.
A million in a half things were running through my mind and it only got worse as my pregnancy progressed. Mixed with hormones, and morning sickness, and heartburn, constipation, hemorrihoids (if you think that was TMI, then you shouldn't be reading this, we share ALL here!) and countless other uncomfortable things.
When she was born. My life froze and I was unequivocally happy. I have never felt so much love for one person.
Then we came home.
Annnnnd the worrying started again! It's like this never ending cycle of making yourself go crazy!
I'm not worried about our future. I'm not worried about money. I'm not worried about making big purchases. I worry about the things that make absolutely no difference how they turn out.
I think having PPD magnifies these things into bigger issues for me. Making them seem like really big deals when they just plain old don't matter. I mean getting stressed about not being in the right lane to make your exit?? Seriously???
Finding the Balance:
There was/is a saying in my house growing up that I absolutely hated. It came from my poppa who thinks about life very logically and rationally. He wouldn't let emotion so much effect the way he made decisions. And it was frustrating for me, as a teenager, to have him tell me what to do with my emotions, especially since I didn't feel like he really understood what was going on in my head. But now, I realize, my dear father was right all along. The saying is:
If you can't do anthing about it, don't worry about it.
So, when I'm going through a major life crisis, or something small and insignificant I ask myself, "Can I do anything about this right now?" And if I can't I let it go. Well, I at least try.
I understand that it is not that simple. Especially when it comes to women, when, as I've said before, we bring emotion into everything and let it run our lives and how we act and treat people etc...
But it's a pretty simple way for me, to not be such a spazz. So, if you're anything like me and are a worry-wart. And all the little things seem to bother you or even the big things. Ask yourself, "Is there anything in my power, that I can do right now to change this or make it better?" If you can fix it, then fix it. If you can't, then you can't. We shouldn't expect ourselves to be perfect and get everything right and do everything all at once. And I truly believe that God doesn't expect that from us either. Christ was perfect and we are suppose to follow His example but does that mean perfection is required of us right this very second? NO WAY!! I think He just wants us to try.
We just have to take one worry at a time and slow down for a second. So....
Breathe with me......ahhhhhhhhh.
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