Confession # 8

Confession:

I had my first anxiety attack this weekend.

The Unbalance:

I experience a lot of anxiety but not the extent of having an actual anxiety attack.  But on Friday night the switch got flipped and I lost it.  I feel really embarrassed about what I freaked out about.

Last Tuesday we bought a new car. A white, Ford Explorer. We finally have two cars and the Explorer is really mine to use. It's a 2003 so its not brand new, but it's brand new to us.  The husband wanted to have a guys day on Saturday and take the Explorer and go explore some caves that are around where we live.

The night before he left I freaked out about him taking my brand new car.  I was worried about it getting dirty, him driving crazy, it getting stuck, and something horrible happening to it.

He kept telling me there was NO way our Honda would make it and needed to take my car to get there. I started getting upset and crying.  Then I started hyperventilating and shaking. Husband was really confused and was just staring at me.  We were lying in bed at 12 o'clock at night, and I got out of bed and just started pacing arond the living room, just fahh-reaking out.  

I broke down even more when I realized how ridiculous this all was. But I couldn't shake the anxiety of my car being taken. I kept telling myself over and over that this was stupid. It's not a big deal, why are you acting like a complete psycho?? 

NO matter what I did, it didn't go away. I just kept balling and breathing too fast and shaking. I eventually cried myself to sleep and woke up in the morning with a splitting headache.  I looked in the mirror and my face looked like a huge ball of puffiness.  And my eyes were blood shot.  

I knew I was back to a rational mindset and was totally fine with the husband taking my car.  

Finding the Balance:

I'm going to be honest and say, I have no idea how to help fix this.  I was in the craziest mind set and I honestly felt insane.  I hated that I was like that. 

I've been on my medication a month now and called my Doc to let her know how I was doing.  I told her I could tell it was working in some areas, but I was still having a few bad days.  She raised the dosage to, two pills a day instead of one.  Once again it'll take a few weeks for me to feel a difference.

When I'm not in those moods, I think "When, I'm in that kind of mood I'm going to choose to just not be that way, I'm not going to lets things bother me."  But when I get like that, I feel like I have no control over the way I'm feeling or thinking.  Rational thinking just flies out the window. I'm able to think, "this isn't a big deal, let it go." But I can't. I just don't know what to do..to make it stop in that moment.  

I suppose this is the biggest challenge I face that I can't find the balance with.  I guess striving to do those things in my daily that I feel like I can control and choose to be different...to be better.  One day at a time.

Non-Confession

I'm feeling the need to restate my purpose about why I have this blog.

I'm not here to tell people how to live. I'm also not here to be a "know-it-all"

I realize that I don't know everything. I am learning just as much as the next person.

I am trying to learn from my weaknesses and improve as a person. 

As I vent about my unbalanced life,  it helps me to overcome the thoughts, and feelings I have resulting from my Postpartum depression. I'm here to help myself move forward and be the best person I can be.  

I'm also having a little ...what's the word?...frustration when I'm around people that are reading my blog and they treat me like I'm broken.  I feel like they look at me like, "Poor, sad Kara. Her life is so hard."

Guys, I'm doing okay!  I don't have a problem talking about my problems with people. No one needs to talk to me like I'm fragile.  

This blog is a good place for me to see what I need to change and remember the things I've learned to progress to higher ground. :)

Confession # 7

Confession:

I feel like I should be "Holly Homemaker"

The Unbalance:

Because I'm a stay at home mom and don't have a pressing schedule to stick too, I obviously have time to do my household duties everyday.  But there are days when I want to be lazy, not shower, stay in my PJ's, snack on sugary goodness and watch mushy gushy movies all day or Harry Potter.

I should probably  be honest with you (and myself). The days I want to do those things aren't every once in awhile...they're....okay, they're everyday.  And I usually do that everyday.  I said it. There. I'm a lazy bum.  I always think, "Well, tomorrow is an open day, I'll just do everything tomorrow."  But then the next day I think the same thing and keep avoiding doing the dishes, vacuuming the house, sweeping the kitchen, folding laundry, exercising. etc..

When people ask me how my day was and what I did.  I totally try and make it sound like I've been super busy taking care of my baby.  Yeah, it's hard being a mom and taking care a little one.  But honestly, I have the easiest baby alive.  She usually plays by herself and just wanders around the apartment and explores.  So, really my day isn't busy.

As of late, I've felt a little overwhelmed with pressure of being some kind of "super mom and wife". I feel like a lot is expected of me. Getting up early. Always having every meal prepared. Looking my best. Being involved in a million in a half extra-curricular activities. Having the house pefect.  Doing all of the chores.

It's not like I don't want to do those things, I'll get to a point where I can't stand how many dirty dishes are in the sink, or how dirty the floor is, in the kitchen and I'll get things done. I sometimes feel like I need to be "on the ball" constantly.

Finding the Balance:

I have found that lists are miraculous things.  

First, with my PPD if I have a completely unorganized, chaotic day I go a little nuts and start to stress and get overwhelmed. If I make a list of things I need to do during the day, I have a visual reminder of what needs to be done and then I can cross them off. And at the end of the day whether or not I got it all done, those things I did get done, it's nice to see them crossed off and I feel accomplished.  

Second, if I want a "nothing" day, and just relax. I still make a list of all the relaxing things I want to do. For example, *Take a bubble bath. *dress in my super warm and comfy sweatpants.*Watch Pride and Prejudice, and She's the Man."  I guess it's my way of telling myself it's okay to have a down day.

And ya know? If I'm not a perfect homemaker, what's the big deal?  I'm really trying to be a good mom, I'm trying even harder to be a good wife and I'm taking control of the things in my life that need fixing. AKA: my PPD.  I have found when I'm doing all I can for my Heavenly Father, my daughter, and my husband, the rest falls into place and my desires change. I desire to have a clean home that I can take pride in, I desire to have meals prepared so my husband and I can have a nice, healthy meal. I desire to get things done and I enjoy it.

So, let's forget about "Holly Homemaker" and be who you want to be, be your best self. 

Confession # 6

Confession:

I still feel like I'm 16.

The Unbalance:

I guess there is no "unbalance" about feeling 16. I suppose it should say I still act like I'm 16 sometimes.  Does anybody else feel like this?  One day you look in the mirror and you go, "How did my life get to this point? It seems like yesterday I was crying over a stupid boy, dreading a soccer game (and for good reason I got a black eye every single Thursday. not joking.) not finishing my homework on time, and getting in some kind of tissy-fit with my mom over not making my bed or not finishing my chores. Where has the time gone?

I'm 21, married and a mother.  


Since taking my medication, I think things are getting better.  I'm still having bad days. Yesterday was horrible. Granted I forgot to take my pill. (which ended up making the day horrible). I got upset at the husband again. But in Confession #1 I said I was struggling with thoughts of not wanting the life I had, not wanting a marriage with my husband (but I know those aren't my true desires). But I haven't had any of those thoughts, even when I'm upset. So I'm thinking the medication is working.


When I'm out and about running errands and when people look at me, I feel like there looking at a teenager. Because that's how I feel the majority of the time.  When we get together with our friends we get really loud and crazy.  When our house finally empties and we go to bed I lay there and think, "I shouldn't be that crazy. I'm an adult and a mother. I shouldn't have so much fun." I guess because of the stage of life I'm in right now, I feel like I need to act a certain way all the time. 


Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have the life I do.


Finding the Balance:

When I have that thought, I am instantly reminded how blessed I am for life I do have.  I was married at 19 and became a mother 2 weeks before I turned 21.  But I have a husband who loves, supports and adores me.  I have a healthy, beautiful, daughter who has made my life feel so worthwhile. I have the knowledge that God has a plan for me.  And I have NO doubt that the choices I have made in my life, which have led me here, were the right ones!  What more could I ask for in life?  I don't think it gets much better then that. I also know that if we stay in tune with what God wants for our family, our joy and blessings will only increase.

As for being completely rowdy and crazy with our friends, why shouldn't I have more fun?  I need to let loose every once in awhile.  If my daughter is taken care of first I don't think there is any harm in letting go. I am a good mother. I deserve some crazy right? I think so!


It's all about priorities and taking care of the most important things first, and also having some fun along the way.  Life is meant to be enjoyed. And filled with love and laughter. So, when our friends come over on the weekends late at night, I'm going to welcome the feeling of being 16....for a short time. :)

Confession # 5

Confession:

I'm a worry-wart.

The Unbalance:

I think you no the "unbalance" in this immediately. Worrying does absolutely no good. Especially not constantly. Over little things. Silly things.  I seem to worry about the little things and not the big things. Is that weird? 


Like I worry about getting the garbage out to the curb on time (which we totally spaced today)
I worry about keeping the house clean in case somebody happens to visit during the day. 
I worry when I'm driving and I know my exit is coming up and I'm in the wrong lane.
I worry that my baby will stop breathing in the middle of the night (I know this is a pretty lagitimate worry, but I worry about it ALL the time)
I worry about missing phone calls.
I worry about our grass getting mowed and what people think when it doesn't get done.

I remember having a conversation with my mom awhile ago and I was venting all my worries and when I was finished she said, "When did you become such a worrier? You weren't like this growing up."


Well, I can tell you the EXACT day I started worrying and WHY. It was a Saturday. May 16th. Can you guess?......


It was the day I found out I was pregnant.


A million in a half things were running through my mind and it only got worse as my pregnancy progressed. Mixed with hormones, and morning sickness, and heartburn, constipation, hemorrihoids (if you think that was TMI, then you shouldn't be reading this, we share ALL here!) and countless other uncomfortable things.


When she was born. My life froze and I was unequivocally happy. I have never felt so much love for one person.


Then we came home.


Annnnnd the worrying started again! It's like this never ending cycle of making yourself go crazy!


I'm not worried about our future. I'm not worried about money. I'm not worried about making big purchases. I worry about the things that make absolutely no difference how they turn out. 


I think having PPD magnifies these things into bigger issues for me. Making them seem like really big deals when they just plain old don't matter.  I mean getting stressed about not being in the right lane to make your exit?? Seriously???

Finding the Balance:

There was/is a saying in my house growing up that I absolutely hated.  It came from my poppa who thinks about life very logically and rationally.  He wouldn't let emotion so much effect the way he made decisions.  And it was frustrating for me, as a teenager, to have him tell me what to do with my emotions, especially since I didn't feel like he really understood what was going on in my head. But now, I realize, my dear father was right all along. The saying is:


If you can't do anthing about it, don't worry about it.

So, when I'm going through a major life crisis, or something small and insignificant I ask myself, "Can I do anything about this right now?" And if I can't I let it go. Well, I at least try. 

I understand that it is not that simple. Especially when it comes to women, when, as I've said before, we bring emotion into everything and let it run our lives and how we act and treat people etc...

But it's a pretty simple way for me, to not be such a spazz.  So, if you're anything like me and are a worry-wart.  And all the little things seem to bother you or even the big things. Ask yourself, "Is there anything in my power, that I can do right now to change this or make it better?" If you can fix it, then fix it. If you can't, then you can't.  We shouldn't expect ourselves to be perfect and get everything right and do everything all at once.  And I truly believe that God doesn't expect that from us either. Christ was perfect and we are suppose to follow His example but does that mean perfection is required of us right this very second?  NO WAY!!  I think He just wants us to try. 


We just have to take one worry at a time and slow down for a second. So....


Breathe with me......ahhhhhhhhh.

Confession # 4

Confession:


I had a really bad weekend.

The Unbalance: 

 My sour attitude of a weekend started on Friday when I was doing laundry. I did a load of darks, which consisted of the husband's black socks. I hate his socks. There's always a handful of extras.  I don't think I've ever been able to pair all of his socks up so there aren't any left over. And for some reason, that time, it made me mad.  Ridiculous? Well, in that moment, I didn't care. Let's be honest here, I wanted to throw a tantrum.

Later that night we celebrated our 3rd anniversary for our first date at Taco Time.  Which was equally disgusting as I remember it was the past 2 years we've gone.  We dropped the baby off at  my brothers and we went our separate ways. I was having a girls night and the hubs was having a guys night. I took my frustrations out on shopping. (not the greatest idea) Got a few things for myself, but mostly new outfits for my baby girl.  (This time I felt better spending mucho money) We headed back home, and picked up the babes.  When we got home everyone ended up at our house, as usual, on a Friday night. I checked in for the night before everyone left. 

Saturday started out as a good day.  The husband had a lot of work to do and I tend to bother him when we're all home together. So, went and hung out with some friends for most of the day.  After he finished his work, I came home and when I walked in the door he was playing a game. My husband is a computer gamer. I don't allow video games. To me, they are the biggest waste of time. Despite him asking me if it was okay to play, it still bothered me.  The house was a complete mess, toys were everywhere, dirty dishes lined the counter in the kitchen, and the house smelled funny. I immediately started picking everything up, frustrated, once again feeling the expectation for him to read my mind. 

So, with what little self control I possess, I kept my mouth shut, and tried not to slam cupboards and doors, at least not too hard.  We had dinner and then at 10pm are friends came over again. I was a bit stressed at this point, because, well I was in a bad mood. I was just informed (at 8pm) that I had to teach Primary the next morning. And I didn't have any supplies to come up with a craft and I was craving chocolate. So imagine if you will, 8 EXTRA people in my apartment, with a very wide awake baby, completely unprepared to teach a lesson in the morning to a few 3 year olds and one 6 year old who probably won't listen very well anyway, craving chocolate and just plain old crabby. 

I was on the brink of destruction and I was going to take everyone down with me.
Thankfully, the husband went to the store and bought me some supplies and came home and made me no bake chocolate, peanut butter cookies I think by the way I was shaking and pacing back and forth he could tell I was getting really stressed and I was about to have a break down. Thankfully someone else noticed and quietly asked me if was getting ready for everybody to leave. I gave a quick, "YUP." with I'm sure some kind of look to the effect of, "Um, yeah you should of asked me that when you got here." And they were gone.

When we were alone, I yelled at the husband to clean the kitchen, because he made a huge mess and NEVER cleans up. (I was sooo throwing a tantrum). I put the baby to bed and laid down on the couch and cried. Husband came over, asked me why I was upset. So, I told him. He proceeded to apologize if he caused any of my frustrations (in all reality NOTHING was his fault, but in the midst of my rage, I took it out on him, therefore making him think he was in the wrong.) But he's catching on quite nicely don't you think? 


He proceeded to feed me the no bake cookies we didn't even make into cookies, with a spoon. 


The next morning I was all in a rush to finish getting my lesson prepared and stomping around the house, while the husband kept asking me what he could do to help, so I kept giving him jobs, which he'd finish insanely fast, then ask what more he could do. I rushed out of the house and headed to church. It was fast Sunday.

Finding the Balance:
 
During my lesson these small little children somehow brought me back to a sane mindset, and humbled my perspective on the childish attitude I had been exuding the past couple of days.  I get so caught up in how I'm feeling, I completely forget how I'm acting, how I treat people and how it overall effects the spirit of our home. Once back to my normal state of mind, I feel horrible and commence with my ritual of asking for forgiveness and apologizing emphatically to whoever I exploded on, which is usually my husband. 


I've been trying to think of ways to "find the balance" when I get in these little fits, and can find a way to help myself out of it before I hurt other people.


And during sacrament meeting while several people were bearing their testimonies of the Savior, I had an epiphany. There is something way better than balance- there is The Love of God. There is the knowledge of knowing that even when I throw these tantrums, spend to much money, yell at my husband, and get upset over nothing He still loves me. He still wants to bless me, and He wants me to feel His love.  And I want to do whatever I can to feel that love. So what will I do?


* I'll try and see what He wants me to see.
*I'll focus on the good things in life instead of the imperfections.
*I'll accept His love and His infinite patience and His help with my strivings (and I mean really really really striving)  to do better.
*I'll trust that He knows how the pieces of my unbalanced life will all fit together to work for my good and...
*I'll keep moving forward, one step at a time, so I can claim the blessings He means for me to have.

Confession # 3

Confession:

I dropped out of college.

The Unbalance:

What was your first thought thought when you read that?
"That's not smart of her to do that"
"You have access to a high quality, low coast education and you're not going to take that?"
"What if your husband dies? What are you going to do since you didn't get a degree?"

Let me tell you the story.

I've mentioned not really excelling in my academic studies while I was in High School and it was no different when I got to college. I always struggled, mostly with tests. After the husband and I got married in April 2008, we headed back to school.  At the beginning of June I started getting sick and I was put on bed rest. Each week I would get worse and each week, the doctor told me to stay on bed rest for another week.  I had to quit my job, I fell behind in school, like way behind. By the time I could actually get out of the house and feel like I was functioning properly I had missed half the semester. I was failing all my classes.  I went and talk to the academic office to see what I could, to see if I could defer this semester and kind of start over. They told me that was impossible and that I would probably get kicked out. Trying to figure out what to do that week, I just about went crazy.  Every day I thought about dropping out, but worried about what to do with my life. I didn't have a job or any prospect of getting one, we weren't planning on starting our family for at least another year, so what would I do?


I was a complete mess. I probably spent more time down on my knees then anything else, trying to get some kind of guidance.  Then, one day it finally came! I knew the right thing do was to drop out. 


Not gonna lie though. I was terrified.  I was constantly being told that if I wasn't in school, that I needed to be a mom. And if I wasn't going to be a mom, that I needed to be in school. And what would I do with my life if I wasn't doing any of those things. I wasn't progressing, I was feeling a lot of pressure to do and be what everybody else thought I should be.  


So, despite not knowing what I was going to do with my life I took a leap of faith and followed that prompting.


For the next two months were the most most awful months I believe of my life.  I just sat at home literally doing nothing. Have you ever heard of Stargate? It's a SyFy show that my husband loves. It has aliens, and space ships and alternate realities. It has 10 seasons. Well, I watched all 10 seasons.....in 2 weeks. I also went and bought a beta fish, which we called Zoey (and later we figured out it was a boy) and I started talking to it. Like having conversations.  So now you see... crazy..and no life.none.zero.nada.


In October I FINALLY found a job that was great for me. I was making enough money to support us and I was able to meet new people everyday. But I was still struggling.  People that came into the office would ask what I was doing with my life. They'd ask if I was going to school or they'd get a little more personal and ask when we were gonna have kids. I felt like everybody was unsatisfied with my choices. So when they'd ask me, I would lie and say, "I'm just taking from school, I'm gonna go back soon." Knowing, that I wasn't on a break and that I wasn't going back.


That's where the unbalance began.  I was so concerned about what everybody thought about me, that I forgot I had made the right choice for ME.


Finding the Balance:

Once I started working more and accepting and realizing and of course living that I had made the right choice. I wasn't afraid to tell people, that I dropped out of college and I'm not planning on going back.  

We are too focused, for some reason, on what other people think of us and what other people expect from us. Why do we do that?  Why do we care so much about other people's opinions?
When, really we should be concerned about what our Father in Heaven wants us to do. It's hard, sometimes to do that. Because, physically, God isn't with us all the time. But we're surrounded by others all the time, that have there own opinions, so I think it's easier to focus on that. 


We just need to change our focus.


So, I, without any fear tell all who ask, that I dropped out of school and it was the right decision for me. Is there a chance that something could happen to my dear husband? Maybe.  Am I going to be presented with opportunities that I want to experience, but I won't because I didn't finish school? Most likely.  But I have faith and confidence in the fact that God has led me to where I am today and I have a pretty fantastic life. So I have no doubt in the future He still take care of me.