I had a really bad weekend.
My sour attitude of a weekend started on Friday when I was doing laundry. I did a load of darks, which consisted of the husband's black socks. I hate his socks. There's always a handful of extras. I don't think I've ever been able to pair all of his socks up so there aren't any left over. And for some reason, that time, it made me mad. Ridiculous? Well, in that moment, I didn't care. Let's be honest here, I wanted to throw a tantrum.
Later that night we celebrated our 3rd anniversary for our first date at Taco Time. Which was equally disgusting as I remember it was the past 2 years we've gone. We dropped the baby off at my brothers and we went our separate ways. I was having a girls night and the hubs was having a guys night. I took my frustrations out on shopping. (not the greatest idea) Got a few things for myself, but mostly new outfits for my baby girl. (This time I felt better spending mucho money) We headed back home, and picked up the babes. When we got home everyone ended up at our house, as usual, on a Friday night. I checked in for the night before everyone left.
Saturday started out as a good day. The husband had a lot of work to do and I tend to bother him when we're all home together. So, went and hung out with some friends for most of the day. After he finished his work, I came home and when I walked in the door he was playing a game. My husband is a computer gamer. I don't allow video games. To me, they are the biggest waste of time. Despite him asking me if it was okay to play, it still bothered me. The house was a complete mess, toys were everywhere, dirty dishes lined the counter in the kitchen, and the house smelled funny. I immediately started picking everything up, frustrated, once again feeling the expectation for him to read my mind.
So, with what little self control I possess, I kept my mouth shut, and tried not to slam cupboards and doors, at least not too hard. We had dinner and then at 10pm are friends came over again. I was a bit stressed at this point, because, well I was in a bad mood. I was just informed (at 8pm) that I had to teach Primary the next morning. And I didn't have any supplies to come up with a craft and I was craving chocolate. So imagine if you will, 8 EXTRA people in my apartment, with a very wide awake baby, completely unprepared to teach a lesson in the morning to a few 3 year olds and one 6 year old who probably won't listen very well anyway, craving chocolate and just plain old crabby.
I was on the brink of destruction and I was going to take everyone down with me.
Thankfully, the husband went to the store and bought me some supplies and came home and made me no bake chocolate, peanut butter cookies I think by the way I was shaking and pacing back and forth he could tell I was getting really stressed and I was about to have a break down. Thankfully someone else noticed and quietly asked me if was getting ready for everybody to leave. I gave a quick, "YUP." with I'm sure some kind of look to the effect of, "Um, yeah you should of asked me that when you got here." And they were gone.
When we were alone, I yelled at the husband to clean the kitchen, because he made a huge mess and NEVER cleans up. (I was sooo throwing a tantrum). I put the baby to bed and laid down on the couch and cried. Husband came over, asked me why I was upset. So, I told him. He proceeded to apologize if he caused any of my frustrations (in all reality NOTHING was his fault, but in the midst of my rage, I took it out on him, therefore making him think he was in the wrong.) But he's catching on quite nicely don't you think?
He proceeded to feed me the no bake cookies we didn't even make into cookies, with a spoon.
The next morning I was all in a rush to finish getting my lesson prepared and stomping around the house, while the husband kept asking me what he could do to help, so I kept giving him jobs, which he'd finish insanely fast, then ask what more he could do. I rushed out of the house and headed to church. It was fast Sunday.
Finding the Balance:
During my lesson these small little children somehow brought me back to a sane mindset, and humbled my perspective on the childish attitude I had been exuding the past couple of days. I get so caught up in how I'm feeling, I completely forget how I'm acting, how I treat people and how it overall effects the spirit of our home. Once back to my normal state of mind, I feel horrible and commence with my ritual of asking for forgiveness and apologizing emphatically to whoever I exploded on, which is usually my husband.
I've been trying to think of ways to "find the balance" when I get in these little fits, and can find a way to help myself out of it before I hurt other people.
And during sacrament meeting while several people were bearing their testimonies of the Savior, I had an epiphany. There is something way better than balance- there is The Love of God. There is the knowledge of knowing that even when I throw these tantrums, spend to much money, yell at my husband, and get upset over nothing He still loves me. He still wants to bless me, and He wants me to feel His love. And I want to do whatever I can to feel that love. So what will I do?
* I'll try and see what He wants me to see.
*I'll focus on the good things in life instead of the imperfections.
*I'll accept His love and His infinite patience and His help with my strivings (and I mean really really really striving) to do better.
*I'll trust that He knows how the pieces of my unbalanced life will all fit together to work for my good and...
*I'll keep moving forward, one step at a time, so I can claim the blessings He means for me to have.