Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Victory Confession # 2


I'm happy, not crappy!

One of the books I got at the library talks about positive affirmations. That's one of mine. Catchy right?..I thought so. So, the past few days I've been saying it over and over again, out loud.  I've been in a great mood the past few days, I've felt energetic and alive.  It's been great to feel the old me raging forward.  Funny story:

When I went running on Monday, I went by my self.  My nose usually runs and I'm constantly sniffing trying to keep the snot from running into my mouth.  When I can't stand it anymore I do a "Farmer blow" that's what we called it back home.  A lot of other people call it a "Snot-rocket" know...where you plug one side and shoot the snot out the other nostril and then switch and do the other side.  This is the farthest thing from gross to me.  I grew up with people doing it around me all the time.  I remember seeing my Dad do it and I wanted to do it so I copied him and shot the snot right onto my shirt. No worries, I'm pro now. We would also do it during soccer games to distract the other players on the field.  We'd shoot it right onto their shoes and they'd fahh-reak out. Ahhhh, good times.

So running on Monday....I did the "Farmer blow" and when I looked up there were a group of boys playing basketball that stopped and were staring at me and making really disgusted faces. I looked at them and said, "What? You've never seen snot before? Would you rather me be polite and ask to blow it on your shirt?...I'm happy, not crappy!" ...and kept running.  And it was true, I was happy.   I thought I was rather funny and couldn't stop laughing, which resulted in me, getting out of breath and choking on ..well , choking on air. And I had to slow down.

I had a light bulb moment of sorts today during today's run.  I realized that I have all the tools to have a happy life.  It was like one of those moments where you've known about this "thing" your whole life but you internalize it for the first time and it changes your life. Yup, had one of those. Needless to say, I've felt great.

I'm mending.  I'm happy, not crappy.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Confession # 11


Most days I feel broken.

The Unbalance:

Okay, yesterday was a down day.  I didn't explode on the husband or get upset about anything.  I was just sad.  The weird thing is I don't get sad about my life, I get sad about being sad and not going back to normal.  Last night I just laid in bed trying to remember what it felt like to be totally and completely content about my life.  I remember that I would have the occasional emotional day or just need a few minutes to cry but it was never like this.  

I've been buying some new make-up lately and trying some new things, I guess so when I look in the mirror I can feel satisfied, and prettier.  The husband came in and curled up next to me and asked what I was thinking and I told him.  He didn't say anything for a little bit and said, " I feel like you get things for yourself, (new car, make-up, clothes, etc.) hoping that they will make things better, but then after a little bit, you're back to being sad again. I think you need to focus on the root of what is really bothering you, instead of trying to replace it with temporary items."  It made sense. We got the car so that I could have the freedom to go do things during the day while husband is gone. I've mentioned having things planned for the day is really good for me. Like hanging out with girlfriends and chatting or going on a walk with another momma-friend and talking about out cuties. Problem is, people aren't available everyday for me to do that.  I have to go do things on my own and alone, which doesn't really make me feel better all the time.  

I explained to him about the make-up.  I honest to goodness don't do my make up in the morning so that when I go out to Wal-Mart I get boys to hoot and holler at me.  And I don't do it for my husband either.  If I did, I would never wear make-up, he likes my face much better without it.  I do it for me.  I look in the mirror and see an exhausted, stressed out woman with purple bags under her eyes and I don't like looking at that.  It's part of what I do during the day that helps it be a little bit better.  I'm not trying to be vain. Honest. I do it for me.

Husband's reply was, "So, you're not comfortable in your own skin?"
Me,"Not on my bad days."
Husband,"Well it sounds like you need to start loving yourself more."

But how do I do that?  When I'm in a depressed mood, how do I make myself realize my worth and importance? How do I remember and believe that there are going to be better days and that my life won't always be this way?  How do I do that?  I feel stuck. I feel completely broken.

Finding the Balance:

As I've been wallowing  in my disappointment, discouragement, despair and broken-ness. I got on YouTube.  I typed in, "Broken things to mend." And this is what popped up first.

"That the Savior's Atonement, lift's us, not only, from the burden of our sins, but also the burden of our disappointments, our sorrows, our heartaches and our despair....There can, and will be plenty of difficulties in life, nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as our Hymn says, "Beyond Our Own" 

He also mentioned not yielding to fear, which I do every second of the day. Fear, that I will never be better, that I'll never overcome this, fear of an unhappy life.  

What does that do for me? Nothing.

What a powerful message that was for me.  As I sit in tears I will remember....

When I am lonely...I know I can find comfort. 
When I am discouraged....I know I can find hope.
When I am in poor in spirit.. I can be strengthened.
When I feel broken...I know I can be mended.

The husband told me I needed to be more thankful as well.

Thankful thoughts for today:  Thankful for the library and the four self-help books I got on depression and mood.  We shall become best friends. :) 

Thankful for the husband who never fails in telling me what I need to hear.


Confession # 10


I got so mad I took my baby and I left.

The Unbalance:

I probably had the worst night I've ever experienced on Thursday.  Talking about this is rather hard for me mostly because of how I dealt with it and it's embarrassing. If you can bare with me through the bad parts, the end is good.  Sort of.

I woke up in a cheerful mood. Made breakfast, fed the baby banana apple yogurt, started some laundry, watched Dora The Explorer, then put the baby down for her morning nap, did my pilates, hopped in the shower, got dressed and ready, played with Baby P and worked on our sign language. (She is starting to sign "please" and "thank you". I'm quite proud of my polite baby.) Our neighbors knocked on our door and asked if I could watch their 16 month old while they moved out of their apartment, for a couple of hours. I said of course. Baby P was obviously excited because she had a play mate and I was thrilled thinking I could get some things done together while they played.  You mother's with more then one kid are probably thinking, "yeah, right. She isn't going to get anything done."  Well, low and behold, I didn't get a thing done. See, my baby is small, 16 pounds, 26 inches tall and quite petite.  (except her cheeks...they're huge.) This girl can really hold her own.  At church last Sunday a two year old boy took her binky from her and she climbed right up him, took back her binky and then pushed him over.  He started to cry and "P" just looked at me like, "What? He took MY  binky!" I apologized to his mom and she said, "Don't worry about it, he deserved it. Look at it this way, at least she can hold her own.  Hopefully she still has that quality when she's older when it comes to boys!"  

Anyway, I have quite an aggressive little one.  She wouldn't leave her play mate alone and she kept getting mad that she was being touched.  Needless to say I had my hands full and her parents were gone ALL day. Seriously. I thought it would be for a few hours. Nope. The whole day.  So after picking up a completely destroyed house. I told the husband I needed to take a run. I felt so tense and stressed.  I took off around the neighbor hood, taking my stress out on the pavement.

When I walked in the door my husbands eyes were fixed on the T.V. and my daughter had the blind cord wrapped around her neck twice and was slipping and she started to suffocate.  I immediately ran to her and picked her up and unwrapped the cord from her neck.  I turned to look at my husband and he just sat there asking me what was wrong. Can you guess what came next?...

The switch got flipped.

I started yelling about how careless he was being and wasn't even paying attention to her and what if I didn't come in the door right that second she could of choked or snapped her neck. I was furious.  He didn't even say anything.  Which fueled my anger even more. I asked him to turn off the T.V and he said, "Why?"..I lost it.

I started packing the baby up in her car seat and I left.

Once again I drove up to the temple and balled in my car. I was hyperventilating and shaking like a leaf.  I was given the suggestion by reader to hum in a low voice when I have an anxiety attack the vibration seems to help. So I started doing that. It helped. I pretty much did that for 30 minutes until I stopped shaking.

I drove home.  I came inside to a dark house.  Husband had gone to bed.  I woke him up and told him to come and sit in the living room with me.  He came out, sat on the couch and stared at the floor. I asked why he didn't say anything to me and just looked at me like he didn't care.  He told me no matter what he did or said, he knew it wouldn't make a difference, that I would still be mad.  Which, I think I've been in denial about.  I want to believe that he can say something or do something to magically get me out of my bad mood.  But honestly, everything he does still ticks me off. Then, I got more upset and kept crying.

Finding the Balance:

That is the real question. How do I Find the Balance with this?  

I got up and walked away, the husband immediately followed me, grabbed me and hugged me as tight as he could.  I just sobbed in his arms.  He grabbed my face and said, "This is not your fault. We're going to find the balance. I know it."  That comforted me, but that aching fear that this will never go away and I won't feel like myself again still sat in the back of my mind.  

So, for now, on my good days, I hold on to the the hope that my life will go back to normal and I'll become me again and pray that on my bad days I can remember that.