Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Confession #16- Long Time

Confession #16

I haven't wanted to write the past four months.

The Insanely Unbalanced:

Oh, where do I begin? 

A lot has happened. 

Sweet husband graduated college. Has a full-time job WITH benefits mind you and the dentist is calling my name so badly....

We moved down to Utah. We live 6 minutes away from Will's work. 3 minutes away from our church building. 5 minutes away from 2 grocery stores. 30+ minutes from the nearest Krispy Kreme. 4 hours away from dear friends we left in Rexburg who are trying to survive there without us...which I'm sure is NO easy task.

I've been an emotional hurricane. I was starting to get off my medication in March and I was a week away from being completely off of it, when the stress and anxiety of life decide to try and kill me. Graduation, moving, saying goodbye to great friends, ovarian cysts rupturing daily and Baby P had double ear infections. ( Who, by the way is NO baby anymore...more on that later.) I couldn't handle it all and I began falling. Silently, mind you.

After the move, and getting "settled" I became overcome with feelings of inadequacy, stress, fear, frustration and complete sadness.  Why? Honestly, change sucks. Even when it's the right change and it's good, doesn't make it any easier to deal with. There have been TWO main issues. I love our friends.  I know a lot of people are bias and think that there friends are the greatest, kindest, most loving friends in the world. But we REALLY HAVE the greatest friends ever created. When living in Rexburg, our place is where everyone came. On weekends, our tiny apartment was the place to be. Our lives were each other. Since moving I have NO friends. And when I say NO friends, I mean it.  We live on this huge hill on the side of a mountain and we live in a neighborhood of townhomes, playgrounds, and not enough space.  There is a lot of family close, mostly cousins, who I love being with, but like everyone else they have busy lives and kids. 

Having next to nothing for socialization has been a big fat struggle. I cry almost everyday. I run every night like I'm running from some kind of creeper, I clean our house constantly..just to keep my mind off everything. But the truth is, that is not enough to fill my day. Being alone all day, messes with my head. And I start to doubt the things I've known my whole, the choices I've made, the kind of person I've chosen to be, the things I'm doing in my life. I have to constantly tell myself what I know is right and true. I have to remember that I wanted this life and that is a wonderful life. Full of love, and truth and blessings. Lots of blessings.

Finding the Balance:

This whole process of change has been hard for me.   But I've learned a few lessons that I'm trying to apply to my life and live daily.

First I realized that I have been completely selfish.  I kept telling dear husband that I needed a break. I needed something just for me. Something that no one else was apart of. Something that I could call mine. And someone who I don't even know taught me a lesson without even knowing it.  She said, "I think as mother's and wives we often feel like we deserve a break from those duties we perform everyday. That we need to accomplish something that will makes us feel accomplished and important. But really, that's not what we need at all. We need to have Charity. Seeking out those in need and serving them to the best of our ability. When we show that love for someone else, in turn we will feel that for ourselves. And we will be full."

Now, I'm not suggesting that we never get a break...ever. Because we do every once in a while.  But the work we do as mother's and wives is important. Muy importante! We are raising and nurturing those sweet children that Heavenly Father has trusted to give to us. I think that when we see and feel that importance of the work we're doing, it will become so much more enjoyable on a daily basis. We'll start seeing those small moments in our families of success.  Instead of focusing on what me, myself and I want....I'll be better prepared and equipped to serve someone else in there time of need and in return Heavenly Father will bless me with those things I'm in need of.

Another good outcome of all this change is that husband and I have drawn closer together.  We're not constantly hosting people at our home.  We're not going and playing wallyball or raquetball every night.. we're spending time together as a family. As a couple. Which has been much needed for some time now.  Lately I've felt I've just been living with a roommates that gets on my nerves..but since our move we've learned some tough lessons, that have brought us to low places.  Places where we needed to go, to know what is really important and where our priorities need to lie. Not only do I feel like I'm living with my eternal sweetheart but I'm living with my best friend. When I learn these lesson's and see and feel the difference in our lives, I know that this was right. This, change.  As hard as it may be some days I try and hold onto that.

Yours truly,

the unbalanced woman.