Most days I feel broken.
Okay, yesterday was a down day. I didn't explode on the husband or get upset about anything. I was just sad. The weird thing is I don't get sad about my life, I get sad about being sad and not going back to normal. Last night I just laid in bed trying to remember what it felt like to be totally and completely content about my life. I remember that I would have the occasional emotional day or just need a few minutes to cry but it was never like this.
I've been buying some new make-up lately and trying some new things, I guess so when I look in the mirror I can feel satisfied, and prettier. The husband came in and curled up next to me and asked what I was thinking and I told him. He didn't say anything for a little bit and said, " I feel like you get things for yourself, (new car, make-up, clothes, etc.) hoping that they will make things better, but then after a little bit, you're back to being sad again. I think you need to focus on the root of what is really bothering you, instead of trying to replace it with temporary items." It made sense. We got the car so that I could have the freedom to go do things during the day while husband is gone. I've mentioned having things planned for the day is really good for me. Like hanging out with girlfriends and chatting or going on a walk with another momma-friend and talking about out cuties. Problem is, people aren't available everyday for me to do that. I have to go do things on my own and alone, which doesn't really make me feel better all the time.
I explained to him about the make-up. I honest to goodness don't do my make up in the morning so that when I go out to Wal-Mart I get boys to hoot and holler at me. And I don't do it for my husband either. If I did, I would never wear make-up, he likes my face much better without it. I do it for me. I look in the mirror and see an exhausted, stressed out woman with purple bags under her eyes and I don't like looking at that. It's part of what I do during the day that helps it be a little bit better. I'm not trying to be vain. Honest. I do it for me.
Husband's reply was, "So, you're not comfortable in your own skin?"
Me,"Not on my bad days."
Husband,"Well it sounds like you need to start loving yourself more."
But how do I do that? When I'm in a depressed mood, how do I make myself realize my worth and importance? How do I remember and believe that there are going to be better days and that my life won't always be this way? How do I do that? I feel stuck. I feel completely broken.
Finding the Balance:
As I've been wallowing in my disappointment, discouragement, despair and broken-ness. I got on YouTube. I typed in, "Broken things to mend." And this is what popped up first.
"That the Savior's Atonement, lift's us, not only, from the burden of our sins, but also the burden of our disappointments, our sorrows, our heartaches and our despair....There can, and will be plenty of difficulties in life, nevertheless, the soul that comes unto Christ, who knows His voice and strives to do as He did, finds a strength, as our Hymn says, "Beyond Our Own"
He also mentioned not yielding to fear, which I do every second of the day. Fear, that I will never be better, that I'll never overcome this, fear of an unhappy life.
What does that do for me? Nothing.
What a powerful message that was for me. As I sit in tears I will remember....
When I am lonely...I know I can find comfort.
When I am discouraged....I know I can find hope.
When I am in poor in spirit.. I can be strengthened.
When I feel broken...I know I can be mended.
The husband told me I needed to be more thankful as well.
Thankful thoughts for today: Thankful for the library and the four self-help books I got on depression and mood. We shall become best friends. :)
Thankful for the husband who never fails in telling me what I need to hear.