Confession:
I still feel like I'm 16.
The Unbalance:
I guess there is no "unbalance" about feeling 16. I suppose it should say I still act like I'm 16 sometimes. Does anybody else feel like this? One day you look in the mirror and you go, "How did my life get to this point? It seems like yesterday I was crying over a stupid boy, dreading a soccer game (and for good reason I got a black eye every single Thursday. not joking.) not finishing my homework on time, and getting in some kind of tissy-fit with my mom over not making my bed or not finishing my chores. Where has the time gone?
I'm 21, married and a mother.
Since taking my medication, I think things are getting better. I'm still having bad days. Yesterday was horrible. Granted I forgot to take my pill. (which ended up making the day horrible). I got upset at the husband again. But in Confession #1 I said I was struggling with thoughts of not wanting the life I had, not wanting a marriage with my husband (but I know those aren't my true desires). But I haven't had any of those thoughts, even when I'm upset. So I'm thinking the medication is working.
When I'm out and about running errands and when people look at me, I feel like there looking at a teenager. Because that's how I feel the majority of the time. When we get together with our friends we get really loud and crazy. When our house finally empties and we go to bed I lay there and think, "I shouldn't be that crazy. I'm an adult and a mother. I shouldn't have so much fun." I guess because of the stage of life I'm in right now, I feel like I need to act a certain way all the time.
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't have the life I do.
Finding the Balance:
When I have that thought, I am instantly reminded how blessed I am for life I do have. I was married at 19 and became a mother 2 weeks before I turned 21. But I have a husband who loves, supports and adores me. I have a healthy, beautiful, daughter who has made my life feel so worthwhile. I have the knowledge that God has a plan for me. And I have NO doubt that the choices I have made in my life, which have led me here, were the right ones! What more could I ask for in life? I don't think it gets much better then that. I also know that if we stay in tune with what God wants for our family, our joy and blessings will only increase.
As for being completely rowdy and crazy with our friends, why shouldn't I have more fun? I need to let loose every once in awhile. If my daughter is taken care of first I don't think there is any harm in letting go. I am a good mother. I deserve some crazy right? I think so!
It's all about priorities and taking care of the most important things first, and also having some fun along the way. Life is meant to be enjoyed. And filled with love and laughter. So, when our friends come over on the weekends late at night, I'm going to welcome the feeling of being 16....for a short time. :)
i totally feel like i am stilll 16!!i feel like the time just went so fast!!and i think that you should have the life you do!you still may feel 16 but you are really a very mature person!there is nothing wrong with feeling young!!that is deffinately a good thing i think that you will always feel that you are 16 because thats just how your spirit is!!:)and you do desearve some crazy!!you are young kara and this is what young people do, even older people need to take a load off every once in a while!!there is no harm in having fun and being that 16 year old girl when you are with your friends!!for you it is okay because you are mature and you do take considerationa nd care of your baby when you party with your friends!!thats whats good about you!!some people dont have their priorities straight and they are the ones that i feel sorry for especially if there are children involoved!its not fair to them!but you are a good mother and you desearve your crazy time!!
ReplyDeleteLove the new blog. It's frustrating to feel all of these crappy feelings when you KNOW they are irrational, but you feel them anyway. It's nice to have a place to vent to other women who get it. Seriously, husbands do not get it. I love mine too, but every time I have tried to vent he just stares at me like I'm crazy and so I feel like I must be crazy. No other person could be this petty, emotional, or whatever. Anyway, it's always nice to know I have company in the crazy. Good for you taking the time to get it all out. I'm even a little jealous of your bravery to see a doctor and get meds for your PPD. I definitely had it after Weston, but I didn't want to acknowledge it or feel like a baby, so I just was not a happy person for about a year. I felt guilty that I didn't adore being a mommy. I adored my son, but not so much mommyhood. Things were much better after Dav, so hooray. Hopefully I will deal ok after baby #3. In the meantime I will keep reading your blog. :)
ReplyDeletethere are sooo many times when i feel like i'm too young for being married and a mommy!! i'm only 22!!! but then i think, no it's just because sometimes i feel like i should still be in high school! i often reminisce about it :)
ReplyDeletebut i love being married and being a mommy and i know i'm exactly where i'm supposed to be! :)