Exercise is where I found control.
How I found the balance:
Forgive my lack of writing this whole week. To be honest, I didn't have anything to write about. It was the first week in almost 18 months (9 months being pregnant and these past 9 months after Baby P was born) that I felt like my old self and I was basking in that wonderful feeling. You wanna know what my secret is?.....I starting running. RUNNING!
I've hated running my whole life. I joined track in the 7th grade, mostly because everybody else was joining and after the first day of practice I wanted to quit. I started coming up with a plan to fake an injury so I could get out of doing it, without actually quitting because, let's face it I'm kind of a quitter, but didn't want anybody to know that. Well after a few more days of excruciating pain I told myself I was gonna fake twisting my ankle or my knee or something. Well, turns out, me being voted "Most Clumsy" my Senior year was right on track. During our stretches and pre-running exercises I tripped on my shoelace and my knee locked. It was stuck for awhile and I had to go get an MRI, turns out, my cartilage was torn and I had to get surgery. I was ecstatic. Seriously, I was. I was able to "be excused" from track and I got lots of attention because I had to be on crutches for awhile.
In High School I joined soccer. Worst.Idea.Ever. That's right up there with Track and Cross Country in the running department. What was I thinking? Well, I wasn't. I joined mostly because the coach said, he didn't care if we were bad and that he'd teach us and it'd be lots of fun and my best friend was joining and I thought if she was there it wouldn't be too bad. Well, ends up that my BFF was really good and usually played Varsity while I sat on JV and got yelled at by the coach because I sucked and wasn't fast enough. I got into pretty good shape, but it never failed that everyday as I watched the clock reach 3:24pm I would dread getting my soccer gear on and going to practice. I eventually quit half way through my Senior Year because I plain ole' didn't like it.
My first semester of college I was going to take a fitness class and at the last second dropped it because I found out we had to run mile under a certain amount of time at the end of the semester, and I stressed so much about it I made myself sick and thought it would be best to quit (once again..surprise, surprise) Which resulting in me gaining 20 pounds and not fitting into any of my pants.
So you see, I've always hated running. And I'm still not a huge fan of it. But I bought a jogger three weeks ago and that kind of made the husband upset because Winter is almost here and I won't be able to use it until next Spring, he thought it was a waste of money. So, to get back into his good graces I told him I would use it as much as possible now and I would start running a few times a week. And I did. I asked a friend to go along with me that also wanted to start running so every Monday, Wednesday and Friday we go to the park and run for at least 30 minutes.
My dad let me in on a little secret to help you to start running without killing yourself. Run for 1 minute, walk for 2 minutes. Do that for a week. Then run a 1 1/2 minutes and walk 1 1/2 minutes. So, as the weeks progress increase your running time and decrease your walking time. I love this because, I can go for quite a while without wanting to die, because I get a little bit of a break. But I'm still keeping my heart-rate up and getting into shape. I started this technique just this last week and my friend and I have been clocking 4 miles with every run. I am quite PROUD of myself! And I have felt amazing. I haven't been moody, or irritated. I haven't snapped at the husband and I've been joyful and grateful every second for the life I have.
Honest to goodness I thought I would be thee LAST person to run this regularly or to even promote running as a way to cope with the roller coaster of emotions us ladies go through. And when I'm running I don't absolutely love it. But with each step that hits the ground I feel better and better. And I know that I'm improving my life in more then just one way.
A little bit of boasting time: I've been in a size 9/10 jean every since I can remember and I now fit comfortably in a size 6. I am also 16 pounds UNDER my pre-pregnancy weight.
Now, today is the Sabbath and we try our very best to keep it Holy. We don't go shopping, or buy things, or go out to eat or get too rowdy with our friends because it's the Lord's day. And today I didn't exercise and today has been a bad day emotionally. My mother helped me to come to the conclusion that maybe some light exercise wouldn't be so disrespectful on Sunday because it really helps me to release the stress, anxiety, and negative emotions that bottle up inside me. So I have concluded that Sunday morning I will do pilates. If this is something that improves my mood, which in turn keeps the Spirit in our home (which affects my family, and those closest to me) I think it's only a good thing.
Out of this whole mess of depression and mood swings and lashing out at my poor husband, which I feel completely out of control, I have found some control with exercising, and I'm going to take whatever I can get.