Monday, October 18, 2010

Confession # 8


I had my first anxiety attack this weekend.

The Unbalance:

I experience a lot of anxiety but not the extent of having an actual anxiety attack.  But on Friday night the switch got flipped and I lost it.  I feel really embarrassed about what I freaked out about.

Last Tuesday we bought a new car. A white, Ford Explorer. We finally have two cars and the Explorer is really mine to use. It's a 2003 so its not brand new, but it's brand new to us.  The husband wanted to have a guys day on Saturday and take the Explorer and go explore some caves that are around where we live.

The night before he left I freaked out about him taking my brand new car.  I was worried about it getting dirty, him driving crazy, it getting stuck, and something horrible happening to it.

He kept telling me there was NO way our Honda would make it and needed to take my car to get there. I started getting upset and crying.  Then I started hyperventilating and shaking. Husband was really confused and was just staring at me.  We were lying in bed at 12 o'clock at night, and I got out of bed and just started pacing arond the living room, just fahh-reaking out.  

I broke down even more when I realized how ridiculous this all was. But I couldn't shake the anxiety of my car being taken. I kept telling myself over and over that this was stupid. It's not a big deal, why are you acting like a complete psycho?? 
NO matter what I did, it didn't go away. I just kept balling and breathing too fast and shaking. I eventually cried myself to sleep and woke up in the morning with a splitting headache.  I looked in the mirror and my face looked like a huge ball of puffiness.  And my eyes were blood shot.  

I knew I was back to a rational mindset and was totally fine with the husband taking my car.  

Finding the Balance:

I'm going to be honest and say, I have no idea how to help fix this.  I was in the craziest mind set and I honestly felt insane.  I hated that I was like that. 

I've been on my medication a month now and called my Doc to let her know how I was doing.  I told her I could tell it was working in some areas, but I was still having a few bad days.  She raised the dosage to, two pills a day instead of one.  Once again it'll take a few weeks for me to feel a difference.

When I'm not in those moods, I think "When, I'm in that kind of mood I'm going to choose to just not be that way, I'm not going to lets things bother me."  But when I get like that, I feel like I have no control over the way I'm feeling or thinking.  Rational thinking just flies out the window. I'm able to think, "this isn't a big deal, let it go." But I can't. I just don't know what to make it stop in that moment.  

I suppose this is the biggest challenge I face that I can't find the balance with.  I guess striving to do those things in my daily that I feel like I can control and choose to be be better.  One day at a time.


  1. I've felt like this before. Whatever I'm upset about it really stupid, but no matter what I do, I can NOT change my reaction to the situation. It's really hard to feel so out of control of your own emotions.

  2. I told you in a past comment that I have had anxiety attacks before too. The one way I found that helped was to hum. Lower the pitch as you go and something about the vibration inside your throat is very calming. It is hard to control them once they get started but that is the only I found that helped me

  3. I had one on campus 2 weeks ago at the crossroads because i had a rough day at work, i was homesick, and I couldn't find my husband. So I leaned my head against the wall and cried and hyperventilated until he found me. I hugged/squeezed him until it passed and ate lunch. Food helped me, I love food. just the fact that I had to stop and think of something else helped.
    You were really smart to let your doctor know what happened.
    Oh the crazies, what a fun part of life ;)

  4. This sounds all too familiar... I have had many moments like that... to be honest the "crazy" runs in my family but I am probably the only one out of ALLL my siblings and parents that doesn't take medication for it- I probably have the lest serve anxiety compared to my other siblings but since I've been married and had Sylvie my anxiety has gotten worse. . . We are all crazy. and to be honest I had a bad anxiety attack the other day too... you are not alone!!

  5. I have had an anxiety disorder most of my life. It's taken me years to learn how to sort of minimize them and have them less.

    I actually talked to a doctor about it in high school a bit, because I have some major jaw problems now because I carry so much tension in my jaw, and I clench my jaw at night. It helps me a lot when I think I'm going to have an anxiety attack, and sometimes even after one has already started to take as long as I need to solely focus on my breathing. I'll take slow, deep, relaxing breaths until I think it is under control. Also, I find when having an anxiety attack, I will can talk a mile a minute. Forcing myself to talk slower helps a lot too!

    I know it's extremely hard. And I always felt ridiculous/embarrassed after one happened. I'm sure you can learn to sort of get a handle on them! I hope the new dosage of medication helps you!

  6. i really know how you feel..i have anxiety really bad. my husband and i are trying to have a baby right can be sooo nerve racking especially waiting for the results.or worrying what you can or cant do because you would never want to harm your little baby that could be growing inside of you...i have felt really crazy the last 2 months, since we have been trying. its just somthing that i want sooo bad. last night i couldnt even sleep because of my anxiety attacks i get..and it seem s like when ever i go to lay my head down on theat pillow my mind just goes crazy and i cant stop thinking and then i start panicking because i cant is so hard to deal with them some times. just know that you are not alone when it comes to anxiety.:)