I cry when I don't mean to cry.
You know what I'm talking about. When your talking about something that really isn't emotional for you and then all of a sudden you start crying and you can't stop. Yeah, that happened today. And it just so happened it was in front of someone I really didn't want to see me cry, which normally results in spilling your guts about why your crying. As I proceeded to give a watered down version of what I'd been going through the past several months I started to cry. I didn't want to cry. In that moment I didn't feel emotional. But for some reason my body back fired on me and I started to cry. When I said I was on an anti-depressant, I was instantly reprimanded for the choice I made. I said that this was my last option, because I'd been suffering, alone, for so long and I didn't want to be the person I'd been. For the next 5 minutes I was lectured. I felt like I was 15 and my dad was telling me how I did something wrong..yaada yaada yaada. During this whole time I was crying, not really listening, trying to make myself stop crying.
Well, needless to say, I left fast. Got into my car and headed to the bank where I proceeded to blubber through the intercom to the bank teller, she was sweet and asked me if I was okay, I'm not sure if she understood me as I was sobbing and trying to say, "I'm just so emotional!" Completely embarrassing. I drove up to the temple to just sit and cry. As I was having a pity party for myself, my sweet Baby P starting babbling and laughing at herself. And then I had quite an uplifting moment:
I had a vision of my life in the future as a mother and saw two more of my sweet little babies. As I saw myself with my children I could sense I would still struggle probably forever. But then I felt the most amazing happiness..JOY even! I felt that Heavenly Father was still aware of me. In my spiritual DNA He built me to be a mother...no where within the strands of hormonal unbalance, stress, anxiety, plain ol' being overwhelmed,, and everything in between in that DNA did he put failure. He wants me to succeed. He's there to help me to succeed.
Finding the Balance:
Well, can you guess what I did? no?....
1. I focused on the good.
I started vocally saying my blessings. Healthy baby, supportive husband, loving family, nice home..
I know by taking an anti-depressant that I'm doing nothing wrong. I did my homework about it and talked in depth with my Doc. It was the right decision for me. During my encounter today I was told the only thing that an anti-depressants do is mask the problem and that it won't take it away. Well, I realize this. I know very well that my problems aren't going to go away by just taking a pill everyday. I started this blog. I started exercising on a daily basis and I'm seeking counseling. I understand that if I'm not willing to help change the things I can control that I won't progress.
2. I LET IT GO.
Oh, you read that correctly. I let it go!
As much as it P.O'd me that I was told all these things and it frustrated. It didn't change the fact that I made the right decision for myself. So, I waved it good-bye.
3. I took a run.
Went on another 4 mile run with BFF Ames, which resulted in very uplifting and enlightening conversation. Thanks girl. :)
So although the middle of my day was a complete pain in the rear. I was able to overcome it. So this could be considered Victory Confession # 2? I think so.
I've decided when I'm judged for the choices I'VE made in MY life..those people really don't matter to me...and I move on with the same confidence I've always had.