Confession #21 I have anger issues

Confession #21: I have anger issues, and not proud of it

Growing up I never struggled with depression or anger.  I did have the occasional frustrated outbursts as a highly hormonal teenager but what girl doesn't when they're 16 and don't get their way?

I had anxiety too, but again, when someone spreads an untrue rumor, that no one would ever believe, about you any 17 year old would be on edge a little bit.

Before becoming a mother I couldn't even comprehend how women could feel depressed or have, what felt like life threatening anxiety attacks, out of the clear blue.  Or feel complete rage at the flip of a switch. I didn't understand and I thought something was wrong with them. I thought they were bad mothers.  How could you feel such things, when you have such a beautiful and precious little person that you created?

You don't know what it's really like, or even understand a little bit until it's you and you're the one experiencing it.  It's horrible. Once it's over you feel guilty and ashamed. You feel like a bad mother. And those that don't understand think you're a bad mother too..because I thought that before I really knew.

I have this INCREDIBLE 2 1/2 year old daughter that everyone that knew me growing up says she is my mini me. She is independent and stubborn.  She is a picky eater and hasn't stopped loving her baby brother for one second.  She hits other kids when she doesn't get her way, she plays dress up with my shoes every day of the week.

But there are days where I don't like her.  I don't like her at all.  Sometimes all I hear her do is whine, constantly whine.  And all I do is yell at her. Like, really yell. Lately she is testing her boundaries. She's doing everything that she knows she not suppose too and seeing if she'll still get disciplined.  It's been a tough month in this house.  I feel like I'm always yelling.  I feel like I'm always putting her in time out, or sending her to her room.  She knows how to talk, she just refuses  to use her words or obey the rules so she cries and cries and keeps on crying.

I struggle with her everyday.  I get to a point where I don't want to be around her. She comes into a room and I just want to leave it because I know she just wants to whine to me about something.

I can't change the fact that I've yelled at her at the top of my lungs and probably have shaken my house. I can't change what I've done in the past, despite being ashamed and feeling sorry. But I can change what I do today and tomorrow.  It's really hard. Most times...okay, all the time it's easier for me to yell at her and just be angry. Even though I should just love her and be calm. I realize that will take time for her to respond too and it's better for everybody. But it's plain hard.

I but I need to try. I want to.  

I feel like I'm constantly trying to stay calm and taking deep breaths and counting to 10 or whatever. I really want to be one of those mom's where my kids grow up and say, "Mom, never yelled. She was always so loving."  I'm hoping Little P doesn't remember being 2.

My 40 year old self constantly reminds me to slow down and savor each moment. To take time to just be with my children. To be more loving and soft spoken. To be joyful about my life. Because it's pretty darn good.

You hear about other people's struggles in their lives and you always think, " Man, I'm glad I don't have their troubles. I'll keep my own."  My dad reminds me of this often. It makes me more grateful for what I have and the things I struggle with.

So, keep trying to be better....and then try some more.

Yours truly,

the unbalanced, mother of 2