Saturday, March 29, 2014

My life is an open book....until now.

I've been an open book my whole life to people. I've never had a problem with sharing my struggles. I found it comforting to lean on others for support and often gain insight from those I was sharing with.  I've never consider myself to be private.  Mostly in part, if anything I have struggled can help another person with whatever they're going through, I want to help.  Feeling alone during any struggle or trial is awful. I don't wish it on anyone.

I've gone through massive changes in the last month.  Many of you know how sick I've been. In and out of the hospital. Stuck in bed. Unable to take care of my own kids. I've received an overwhelming amount of support, which I don't even have enough words, the right words, to express how grateful I am. The help we've had wouldn't have been as great, if we didn't live where we do. 

I know what needs to be done for my body and spirit to become whole again. I know what journey I need to take to recover.  The thing is... I am at a really vulnerable state emotionally right now so if opinions or advice is given to me (even out of love and support) it affects me deeply.  I've realized even though intentions are pure from many people who I've spoken too...  Not really anything they say is meant for me.  At least not for this particular journey I'm on. This experience is mine and no one else's, so the things I must do, to progress, are specific and only meant for me.  This past week as I've gained more energy I've spent a lot of time visiting with people, outside of the house.  All of them were positive, supportive experiences.  But I shared too much and that's weighing on me. Emotionally and physically.  For me to get to my end result I no longer will  be sharing the details of what I'm experiencing unless feel prompted to do so.  It's nothing personal towards anyone, it's just not something I need you to be apart of. I appreciate words of support, and hugs and definitely prayers. But if asked, what I'm doing or what's really going on...I will politely give you a vague answer that I'm working on things and getting better.  I, of course am sharing all to my husband.  He has been my greatest support and source of comfort.  He literally can touch me and whatever pain I feel begins to evaporate out of me. It's a beautiful thing. That's what his love for me can do. He's on this journey with me, riding along, protecting me and supporting me when I need him too.

I look forward to be able to share all of this when I've made my way through and come out the other side.  But for now minor seclusion is necessary. Maybe not minor, more than that.  I struggle being in large groups of people. Whether I know them or not. So for awhile I will be MIA.  Working on myself. Moving forward. 

It's strange what the body does to us, to get our attention, almost forcing change upon you.  I know all these changes are for a greater purpose and I have faith in that. 

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad your getting things figured out. You've been on my mind a lot lately and in my prayers. Although my situation is different than what ever you're dealing with I understand it when you said people try to give help and advice that's from their heart but just not for you. I still frequently get advice for those who love me and want to help me with my grief stricken days but usually it's not anything that can really actually help me. Sometimes it's even more hurtful than helpful. Anyway I wanted you to know I was thinking of you and that I hope things are getting better. I know you're taking a break but if you every need a good listener I'm just a street away. I think you are an amazing person and I love it every time I get a chance to chat with you. You always brighten my day and lift me up. BTW I LOVE your new hair style it looks fantastic!!