Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Confession # 13


I'm having separation anxiety.

The Unbalance:

Here's the dealio-- Baby P has gone down to nursing 4 times a day instead of the usual 12 when she was newborn.  She is eating solids constantly, hates her vegetables, so we let her drink Light V8 Fusion which she loves.  She just turned 10 months and is walking everywhere. You got it, there is a 27 inch tall baby running around.  I'm not one of those mom's that gets really sad that their baby is growing up.  I look forward to it.  I encourage it. I'm ready for it. The way I look at it is that the older she gets the more independent and self entertaining she becomes, which in turn gives me some time to catch my breath and try and feel 21 again.  But there is one tiny, itty-bitty, thing I'm having trouble with.....

I don't want to stop breastfeeding!  

Just for fun yesterday I thought, " I wonder if she'll take some formula?"  She's been stuck on my boob since the day she was born and every other time I tried it just to see if she'd take it, she refused.  So I made a 4 ounce bottle, sat her down on my lap and gave it to her. And she took it! I was shock-ed and a-maze-ed! When she finished the bottle she yelled at me until I made another one.  She downed another 8 ounces.  It was kinda fun for the first 4 ounces and then it wasn't anymore.  

I got jealous.  I was jealous that she was receiving something I'd given her the past 10 months and she liked it.  I guess if you're not a mom this might sound funny.  But there is something so emotional about nursing your baby.  Even if you don't realize it yet.  I got so sad that my little girl was at a point where she could live without me in that way.  In a way I feel completely unneeded and forgotten.  When she was eating from the bottle I had this aching feeling in my back like I was about to go sing in front of a huge crowd of people or see someone I hadn't seen in years. You know what I'm talking about...that nervous feeling. Anxious

Since the day she was born I've said that there is no way there is another baby coming sooner then two years.  Since having these feelings, it's the first time I ached to have another baby since Baby P was born.  When I expressed these feeling to the husband, he laughed at me and told me I was silly.  Which irked me.  I believe his exact words were, "HA! Well, let's not think about that now!.....you're funny."  

Was I trying to be funny? No. I wasn't.  I told him to throw away the sarcasm and be understanding. He tried people. He really tried.

Finding the Balance:

I know. I know. This is part of life as a mother. Moving on, growing up, transition.  This I totally realize.  But it's hard to tell my heart that when I have that kind of connection with my baby. I talked with a few mama's today and they told me that they felt that too.  It's definitely a hard transition.  But not to worry that it would pass.

I guess for now I'll keep nursing her and use the formula for traveling or when she is being watched by someone else.  

Ohhh the joys!  In the not so distant past I would of almost killed the husband for laughing at me and being sarcastic. Can you say SUCCESS!!!!!! Speaking of success.....uhh, I'll make a whole nother post about that. Give you something else to read since I've been such a slacker for the past month.

1 comment:

  1. Man, breastfeeding is such a weird thing. It's amazing. Some people love it. Some people hate it. Some people with they could do it. Some people wish they could stop without feeling guilty. It is so intensely personal. I remember feeling so personally rejected when my babies wouldn't nurse well. It was really hard for me. I only nursed them for about 4-5 months. Once they were eating well again from a bottle I got to feel attached to them again. It's different for every mom. I hope that she will let you continue to breastfeed as long as you want to. :)